Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have been married for 17 years and blessed with two beautiful girls ages 16 and 14. In the past, my husband has been flirting with workmates, my friends, and any female he met on social media.
The funny bit is, whenever I caught him, he would claim it’s harmless flirting and there are HIV among other deadly STDs and would apologize and move on.
Things got worse six years back when he got promoted as a GM. He had sex without protection with a lady and I learned he took her for an HIV check up so he wasn’t using any protection. I was so upset that I called the lady and she gave me the insult of my life.
The best part is that I told my hubby to ask her go her separate way and he refused, saying he “has his way of breaking up with her, not my way.”
I cried, broken….
He never showed any remorse at all. This girl is illiterate; she keeps lying on LinkedIn that she was my husband’s PS, a graduate…and I learned during the time of their affair that she got pregnant. But my hubby says the child isn’t his, that “she was a prostitute because she would try to use the baby and gold dig.”
I’m so depressed. I ask him for a divorce and he claims that he is sorry for the hurt he caused me; he says it won’t happen again and claims my up bringing is preventing me from looking beyond his infidelity. He says if I leave him, he will be destroyed and it will cost his job.
He keeps buying me stuff but, I am not feeling him. I keep crying and lock myself in the house. I’m jobless, but I still want to move on from his lies and cheating. I’m at risk of contracting an STD. His work requires him to travel a lot.
He says one thing and does another (calls women prostitutes yet has sex without condoms). He even bought me an X5 but it just won’t wash my tears away and make me forget and love him like I used to.
Please enlighten me. Do you think he’s changed? Will he lose his job if I left him and my kids will lack school fees? Am I being Abused in My Marriage?
Hurt
Dear Hurt,
I am truly sorry to hear about your marital distress and pray that you find peace. Based on the information you shared about your husband, there is a high possibility that he will not change, especially if he does not seek and attend professional and spiritual counseling for his issues.
I am not sure if your husband will lose his job, but he should be more concerned about losing his family. I do not like to judge individuals, but I believe that he might have already lost his mind.
My biggest concern is your emotional stability. Yes, you are being abused and should seek professional help. You are at risk of contracting an STD and feel depressed, yet you are concerned about your husband’s job.
I realize that you are concerned about finances because you do not work and want what is best for your children. Please be mindful that fear and finances are the main reasons why women remain in abusive relationships. You can gain the world and acquire material things, but they mean nothing if your mind is not at peace.
Here are a few signs of abuse:
Using Emotional Abuse
- Put you down
- Made you feel bad about yourself
- Called you names
- Made you think you are crazy
- Played minds games with you
- Humiliated you
- Made you feel guilty
Using Male Privilege
- Treated you like a servant
- Made all the big decisions
- Acted like the “master of the castle”
- Was the one to define men’s and women’s roles
Using Economic Abuse
- Prevented you from getting or keeping a job
- Made you ask for money
- Gave you an allowance
- Took your money
- Didn’t let you know about or have access to family income
To learn more about abusive signs, please secure a copy of my book, “A Black Woman’s Worth: My Queen and Backbone” from my website www.drbuckingham.com
I hope you realize that you are a Queen and the backbone of your family.
Your worth is not defined by your physical or emotional traits, economic or financial status, accomplishments or success, but by your God-given attributes.
God has blessed you to be capable of healing the sick and comforting the distressed, but he also wants you to respect and take care of yourself. Do not allow bad relationships or limited financial resources to cause you to diminish your God-given gift.
I know you that you are afraid of the unknown, but I am pretty sure that it cannot be any worse than what you are going through now. Please seek professional help.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.