By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
One of my most recent articles regarding flirting on BMWK brought this topic to mind. How does jealousy play out in marriages? That green-eyed monster normally appears in one of two ways in a relationship: jealousy over your spouse and the other is to be jealous of your spouse.
Neither is healthy when shown too frequently. Of course there are a few different ways that a person can become jealous of their spouse. One way is being jealous of who the spouse is or what they have. This includes feelings of envy of the spouse’s career or goals. Examples of this type of jealousy include sabotaging or squashing a mate’s dreams as well as not being supportive. This type exists when the spouse, who isn’t where they feel they should be in life (whether it’s career or in terms of finances) finds it more challenging to cheer on their partner. Oftentimes people aren’t where they want to be because they either don’t know how to get there or they are not quite sure where “there” is. Instead of frustration and being a joy killer for a spouse, I suggest that both spouses plan together, encourage and motivate one another into their life’s goals.
The other form of jealousy can be the most damaging to your marriage: being jealous over a spouse; meaning, jealous of the relationships they have with others. Always thinking someone else wants their spouse speaks to their own insecurities. I remember years ago my husband was a groomsmen in a wedding I was unable to attend. Shortly after, he had built friendships with a few of the bridesmaids. In the beginning, I struggled with his keeping in touch with the whole wedding party (via email) and my having to listen to the stories. Partly because I hadn’t had the chance to meet these women for myself. I wondered, what were their motives?
But as time went on, and my husband and I discussed these friendships, I got over it. I too had made friends before in similar situations. Feeling like a hypocrite made it a bit easier. I was also comforted by the trust I have in him. It is often those insecurities setting in and not trusting more in the marriage. It is normally not about the spouse, it is about holding on to something we need to release from a past hurt or disappointment. While it is natural to feel a little jealousy from time to time, being mindful as to the effects it has on the relationship is the key.
BMWK, what role does jealousy play in your relationship? Are you a jealous spouse?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.