By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
One of my most recent articles regarding flirting on BMWK brought this topic to mind. How does jealousy play out in marriages? That green-eyed monster normally appears in one of two ways in a relationship: jealousy over your spouse and the other is to be jealous of your spouse.
Neither is healthy when shown too frequently. Of course there are a few different ways that a person can become jealous of their spouse. One way is being jealous of who the spouse is or what they have. This includes feelings of envy of the spouse’s career or goals. Examples of this type of jealousy include sabotaging or squashing a mate’s dreams as well as not being supportive. This type exists when the spouse, who isn’t where they feel they should be in life (whether it’s career or in terms of finances) finds it more challenging to cheer on their partner. Oftentimes people aren’t where they want to be because they either don’t know how to get there or they are not quite sure where “there” is. Instead of frustration and being a joy killer for a spouse, I suggest that both spouses plan together, encourage and motivate one another into their life’s goals.
The other form of jealousy can be the most damaging to your marriage: being jealous over a spouse; meaning, jealous of the relationships they have with others. Always thinking someone else wants their spouse speaks to their own insecurities. I remember years ago my husband was a groomsmen in a wedding I was unable to attend. Shortly after, he had built friendships with a few of the bridesmaids. In the beginning, I struggled with his keeping in touch with the whole wedding party (via email) and my having to listen to the stories. Partly because I hadn’t had the chance to meet these women for myself. I wondered, what were their motives?
But as time went on, and my husband and I discussed these friendships, I got over it. I too had made friends before in similar situations. Feeling like a hypocrite made it a bit easier. I was also comforted by the trust I have in him. It is often those insecurities setting in and not trusting more in the marriage. It is normally not about the spouse, it is about holding on to something we need to release from a past hurt or disappointment. While it is natural to feel a little jealousy from time to time, being mindful as to the effects it has on the relationship is the key.
BMWK, what role does jealousy play in your relationship? Are you a jealous spouse?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Ken S says
I noticed that my feelings of jealousy have decreased as my years of marriage increase. Maturing has a lot to do with me being less jealous as I have become more aware of why I feel how I feel. In the early years of marriage I found myself being jealous in many situations if anyone paid my wife any attention or if she laughed a little too hard at another man’s jokes. As I grew up some though, I realized most of my jealous emotions were due to my own insecurities. Regarding flirting, I don’t encourage married folks to do that with anyone outside of their spouse…it’s just playing with fire. I personally try to give every woman the impression that there isn’t even a remote chance that I would be interested in anything other than a platonic relationship. And it’s really a bad idea to give a man ANY type of vibe that he might interpret as romantic interest…you open a tiny crack in the door, and a man will try to drive a truck through it.
Jaclynbrwn says
@ken…great post. I too struggled with jealousy in the early years but those feelings have decreased over time. Its all about knowing your spouse and knowing yourself. As you grow and learn about each other, you learn a lot about yourself. We may get jealous at times but we know each other enough now to realize that we can just discuss it instead of blowing up and letting it drive a wedge between us.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Great post Tiya…you are right jealous feeling may creep up from time to time. But what works for me is to just talk to my spouse about my feelings…they are normally based out of my own insecurities or issues. And he is good about making me feel better when I talk to him..not worse.
MommiLotionsgalore says
I have a bit of a problem with people mistaking jealousy for anger. I have experienced a problem with my husband being the first type of jealous. It almost destroyed my marriage. I didn’t realize he was jealous until we had already been together for 17 years and he was ready to end the marriage. We are still together going strong but it took alot of communication.
Jason Ligon says
Jealousy is natural part of human nature. It’s a bulb that glows much brighter in an overly capitalistic society like America. So much of your perceived worth and make up is based upon the things you posses. When people marry two become one. Your goals and aspirations should merge and align. You both should be on the same page trying to achieve the same things. What do I care if it’s her footsteps that bring us closer or mine?! At some point I will bear the weight and at some point she will bear it. That’s part of the beauty of marriage. If you are both secure with who you are then you will celebrate each others successes as it will only benefit your dumb a$$ in the end.
Superwife says
Co-sign
Qu33nl33 says
I will be three years into my marriage in march, so the jealousy does pop up every now & again. But I have found that just expressing my feelings to my husband makes things easier. He is a very understanding guy & it makes it all worth it when we talk things over.
Superwife says
If you have seen some of the stuff I have seen – you would understand why I am not sleeping on any situation. Call me jealous – that’s o.k. I find it interesting that some of us will fight to the death against anyone trying to intrude on our job, kids etc, but we don’t want to risk being called “jealous” and doing whatever it takes to protect our marriage from being invaded. I am going to stand guard with my husband and for my husband against any and all enemies, foreign or domestic. So, go ahead – call me jealous, I am standing guard and fighting for mine if I see a reason to do so.
AGoodWife says
I wish I had the “umph” you express here. I understand and support your sentiment completely. However, I am afraid of being seen as jealous or insecure by my husband. I don’t want him to think i don’t trust him. I don’t want him to become frustrated and exhausted trying to prove he’s loyal to me.
I’m not jealous of /threatened by every woman he interacts with. Just this one.