I’ve been writing for BMWK for about a year and a half but, ironically, every article I wrote was as a single man. My last relationship ended two years ago, so much of what I’ve written, and read, about relationships wasn’t being applied in my day-to-day life. My relationship status has recently changed, however, and I’m learning more than ever that concepts that sound good in the abstract are much more difficult to put into practice in real life.
Needless to say, I tried my best to start my new relationship off on the right foot. My girlfriend and I talked about what it would take to build the type of relationship we wanted””one characterized by security, intimacy, synergy, and honesty. To this point we’ve been largely successful in doing these things, but to be completely transparent, at times building security has been challenging for me.
Security in this case refers to the state of feeling safe, stable, and free from fear and anxiety with respect to your partner and the state of your relationship. In my case thoughts of what could go wrong have, at times, left me feeling uncharacteristically uneasy and anxious. With this in mind I’d like to share three common causes of an insecure relationship.
Feelings of Personal Insecurity
Everyone has feelings of insecurity from time to time. Sometimes they are due to personal attributes, such as color, body shape, height, perceived intelligence, and social status. The real problem arises when insecurity comes to be a dominant part of your character. It is hard to believe that someone accepts you when you don’t even accept yourself. Therefore consistently feeling insecure about yourself, whether about body image issues, education, net worth, etc. poses a threat to the maximum level of security in your relationship.
Someone who is insecure about aspects of their identity will project those feelings on their partner and will often feel a heightened sense of anxiety in the presence of those who possess the traits they feel they lack. For example, a husband who feels insecure about his education and career might express this frustration by consciously (or subconsciously) diminishing the accomplishments of his wife in an attempt to make himself feel more secure. He might also find himself feeling jealous anytime she brings up the accomplishments of someone else (especially another man) and constantly feel the need to have his actions affirmed by her.
A Lack of Trust
Trust is one of the cornerstones of any good relationship and oftentimes a lack of trust is manifested in an increased desire for control. In fact, I believe that in human relationships control and trust are often inversely related. Whether we’re talking about a micro-managing boss or a controlling boyfriend, people who have trust issues often seek to compensate for them by trying to exert greater control on others. The problem is that the desire for more control in a relationship is not easily satisfied. The more people get, the more they want.
Not fully trusting someone is generally used as a defense mechanism to protect against being hurt. Vulnerability, while typically not something most people (especially men) aspire to demonstrate, is key to building intimacy in a relationship. Without it two people can never truly know one another.
At times trust is eroded due to one person’s specific actions. For instance, it’s not hard to imagine someone whose partner has been unfaithful having a hard time trusting that person and their interactions with the opposite sex. In these instances counseling, a change in behavior, communication, and forgiveness are some of the keys to starting the process of repairing the trust that was broken. There are other instances, however, when a lack of trust is not rooted in the actions of either partner. For example, a woman who has come to believe that all men cheat will find it extremely difficult to trust her man, even if his actions and character suggest he is totally committed to being faithful to her. This is problematic because eventually he will become exhausted with trying to constantly prove himself and his loyalty to her.
Lack of Common Purpose/Direction
Relationships that lack common purpose and direction are also inherently insecure. An example of a relationship lacking common purpose is one where a man is looking to eventually be in a committed relationship while the woman he’s seeing is only interested in casual dating in both the short and long term. These two people will have fundamentally different goals that will impact how they date. While the former might look at each outing as an investment (of time, money, etc.), the latter will view it from a much less serious perspective.
In addition to people who have misaligned relationship expectations, relationships that lack a sense of direction also lead to insecurity. While not gender-specific, I’ve heard this complaint most often from women who are frustrated with a man who either lacks initiative or who fails to clearly articulate where he would like the relationship to go. At other times men will verbally deny wanting a committed relationship but act in a way that suggests otherwise. Regardless of the reason, a relationship without purpose or direction will ultimately leave someone feeling insecure.
Most people don’t set out to have insecure relationships. Oftentimes they occur because of specific character traits (e.g., a fear of commitment) that are the result of relationship values, past experiences, or social norms. In addition to the three causes listed above, security can also be compromised by unhealthy comparisons, jealousy, a lack of communication, or an inability to get over past relationships.
Regardless of the source, it is important to take stock of our individual behaviors and the state of our relationships and take the steps necessary to cultivate security. I’ve found that one of the keys to building security in my own relationship has been for my girlfriend and I to frequently do things that fill each other’s “love tank.” This can be through spending quality time, acts of service, or by frequently speaking some other love language. We’ve also found that shared experiences, open and honest communication, and prayer and joint church attendance help us grow closer socially, emotionally, and spiritually.
Much like a plant needs strong roots to provide nourishment and hold it firmly in place, a healthy relationship needs security to provide intimacy and weather life’s major tests and trials. It is the foundation upon which strong relationships are built, but without it a relationship will eventually starve, wither, and die.
BMWK, have you ever been in an insecure relationship? What influenced your decision to stay or leave? What do you do to build security in your relationship?
Delano Squires recently completed a Master of Public Policy (MPP) degree program at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.