I’ve been writing for BMWK for about a year and a half but, ironically, every article I wrote was as a single man. My last relationship ended two years ago, so much of what I’ve written, and read, about relationships wasn’t being applied in my day-to-day life. My relationship status has recently changed, however, and I’m learning more than ever that concepts that sound good in the abstract are much more difficult to put into practice in real life.
Needless to say, I tried my best to start my new relationship off on the right foot. My girlfriend and I talked about what it would take to build the type of relationship we wanted””one characterized by security, intimacy, synergy, and honesty. To this point we’ve been largely successful in doing these things, but to be completely transparent, at times building security has been challenging for me.
Security in this case refers to the state of feeling safe, stable, and free from fear and anxiety with respect to your partner and the state of your relationship. In my case thoughts of what could go wrong have, at times, left me feeling uncharacteristically uneasy and anxious. With this in mind I’d like to share three common causes of an insecure relationship.
Feelings of Personal Insecurity
Everyone has feelings of insecurity from time to time. Sometimes they are due to personal attributes, such as color, body shape, height, perceived intelligence, and social status. The real problem arises when insecurity comes to be a dominant part of your character. It is hard to believe that someone accepts you when you don’t even accept yourself. Therefore consistently feeling insecure about yourself, whether about body image issues, education, net worth, etc. poses a threat to the maximum level of security in your relationship.
Someone who is insecure about aspects of their identity will project those feelings on their partner and will often feel a heightened sense of anxiety in the presence of those who possess the traits they feel they lack. For example, a husband who feels insecure about his education and career might express this frustration by consciously (or subconsciously) diminishing the accomplishments of his wife in an attempt to make himself feel more secure. He might also find himself feeling jealous anytime she brings up the accomplishments of someone else (especially another man) and constantly feel the need to have his actions affirmed by her.
A Lack of Trust
Trust is one of the cornerstones of any good relationship and oftentimes a lack of trust is manifested in an increased desire for control. In fact, I believe that in human relationships control and trust are often inversely related. Whether we’re talking about a micro-managing boss or a controlling boyfriend, people who have trust issues often seek to compensate for them by trying to exert greater control on others. The problem is that the desire for more control in a relationship is not easily satisfied. The more people get, the more they want.
Not fully trusting someone is generally used as a defense mechanism to protect against being hurt. Vulnerability, while typically not something most people (especially men) aspire to demonstrate, is key to building intimacy in a relationship. Without it two people can never truly know one another.
At times trust is eroded due to one person’s specific actions. For instance, it’s not hard to imagine someone whose partner has been unfaithful having a hard time trusting that person and their interactions with the opposite sex. In these instances counseling, a change in behavior, communication, and forgiveness are some of the keys to starting the process of repairing the trust that was broken. There are other instances, however, when a lack of trust is not rooted in the actions of either partner. For example, a woman who has come to believe that all men cheat will find it extremely difficult to trust her man, even if his actions and character suggest he is totally committed to being faithful to her. This is problematic because eventually he will become exhausted with trying to constantly prove himself and his loyalty to her.
Lack of Common Purpose/Direction
Relationships that lack common purpose and direction are also inherently insecure. An example of a relationship lacking common purpose is one where a man is looking to eventually be in a committed relationship while the woman he’s seeing is only interested in casual dating in both the short and long term. These two people will have fundamentally different goals that will impact how they date. While the former might look at each outing as an investment (of time, money, etc.), the latter will view it from a much less serious perspective.
In addition to people who have misaligned relationship expectations, relationships that lack a sense of direction also lead to insecurity. While not gender-specific, I’ve heard this complaint most often from women who are frustrated with a man who either lacks initiative or who fails to clearly articulate where he would like the relationship to go. At other times men will verbally deny wanting a committed relationship but act in a way that suggests otherwise. Regardless of the reason, a relationship without purpose or direction will ultimately leave someone feeling insecure.
Most people don’t set out to have insecure relationships. Oftentimes they occur because of specific character traits (e.g., a fear of commitment) that are the result of relationship values, past experiences, or social norms. In addition to the three causes listed above, security can also be compromised by unhealthy comparisons, jealousy, a lack of communication, or an inability to get over past relationships.
Regardless of the source, it is important to take stock of our individual behaviors and the state of our relationships and take the steps necessary to cultivate security. I’ve found that one of the keys to building security in my own relationship has been for my girlfriend and I to frequently do things that fill each other’s “love tank.” This can be through spending quality time, acts of service, or by frequently speaking some other love language. We’ve also found that shared experiences, open and honest communication, and prayer and joint church attendance help us grow closer socially, emotionally, and spiritually.
Much like a plant needs strong roots to provide nourishment and hold it firmly in place, a healthy relationship needs security to provide intimacy and weather life’s major tests and trials. It is the foundation upon which strong relationships are built, but without it a relationship will eventually starve, wither, and die.
BMWK, have you ever been in an insecure relationship? What influenced your decision to stay or leave? What do you do to build security in your relationship?
Delano Squires recently completed a Master of Public Policy (MPP) degree program at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
sunt97 says
I am not in a relationship but I am having the displeasure of watching those in one battle insecurities. Lost a female and 2 male friends to it because their s/o thought I posed a threat with my friendship. I need to send them this article.
Peace. Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany
Kimmie says
I am currently in a relationship and I sometimes feel a since of insecurity and distrust. These feelings are the result of a past long term relationship that left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. I am desperately trying not to bring the baggage into this new relationship; however, it is quite difficult because I do not want to be hurt again. I am trying with everything to let the past go and to focus on the present. Otherwise, I know that I will lose the good man that I am involved with!
Kimmie
Delano Squires says
Thanks for reading Kimmie. I def understand where you’re coming from. Leaving the past in the past can be a real struggle. I hope you are able to move forward and not let that pain stop you from living and loving completely.
Shonettejackson says
Let go of the past. My husband accusses me of infediality when I have shown no signs of it. It is all because of his own insecurities. Its wrong on so many levels.
Johnitta says
Wonderful article! I’d always realized that lack of trust and personal insecurities could lead to an insecure relationship, but never thought about lack of common purpose or direction! Great read! Thanks!
JW
Delano Squires says
Thanks Johnitta!
Briana Myricks says
I was previously in an insecure relationship. My boyfriend at the time didn’t trust me for not telling him something, and he never let it go. We broke up but remain decent friends.
no comment says
This article was RIGHT on time for me. I am single and I recently feel my insecurities ruined my chances at a relationship with a man who had great qualities. Growing pains I tell you.
Delano Squires says
I commend you for being mature enough to see that in yourself. Most people tend to blame-shift and play the victim. I think you’re on your way to being ready for an even better relationship in the future.
Nkemjika O. says
Great piece Delano!!
I especially agree with the misguided intentions portion. A long time ago, I was taught you listen to what a man says and not how he acts. Men are hardwired differently and so specific acts that we might begin gushing over may not mean the same level of emotional attachment for him; listen to what he says to you ladies!!
Additionally, I find that as a young woman of 30 who has begun projecting the imagery of wanting to settle down, I get ALOT of men who find themselves trying to falsely match what I want, just to get me to take the bait but it always comes to light sooner rather than later… What would you recommend for being able to discern the “posers” from the real deal so as to not waste time??
Thanks and keep up the writing!!
Delano Squires says
Thanks Nkem. I think it’s important to make sure that a person’s words and actions are in alignment, because the two should complement each other. With respect to weeding out the pretenders, I’d suggest allowing time to show you a person’s true intentions. A man who is serious will want to make that known through his words and deeds. In time a person’s true motives will inevitably come out.
sugga says
Sorry, I didn’t read Delano’s response before I wrote mine…
sugga says
At some point, the words AND actions,should MATCH…
Rubygriffin36 says
If you’re in a insecure relationship it’s because you’re not loving yourself enough to walk away or not strong enough to defend who you’re…Ladies,you must stop having so many defective of yourself,and know what you want in your relationship,from the beginning…To me insecure start from within…Do you love you?…Do you love,who you became?…if no ..Do you love God? if so…God say,Trust in the lord with all thine heart and lean not on your understanding…Ladies,I also believe we’re our worst enemy to ourselves,reason so quickly to judge our partner,from the old saying…all men are dogs…which is not true…If you’re in a insecure relationship and you and your partner don’t open up a chain of communication and deal with the situation with some quality time then y’all are fighing a losing battle…then again…change is good….
Luckeesevenz says
This was a great read. Thanks for the insight Delano. Keep it coming.
P-Dub2 says
The last two sentences in “A Lack Of Trust” is the very reason why I’m pretty much done with her. It’s a wrap. I know I have a large forehead, but brick walls still are painful to a brutha… u dig?
Very insightful article… the share buttons are about to be worn out on this one! 😀
T_tennon says
I left an insecure relationship a little over 6 months ago and I’m still in the process of healing from it. I truly thought and was lead to believe that there was something wrong with me because the relationship was not secure. This insecurity eventually prompted me to seek counseling, in which I learned it was not that I was insecure but in an insecure relationship. At least, 2 out of 3 of the reasons you discussed were true in my relationship and lead to the third one. 2) No direction-we never made any significant progress even though marriage was agreed on as the ultimate goal and purpose. We both knew we would marry our best friend and after almost 2 years he still referred to me as his best friend never girlfriend, even though that was the role I played and he accepted and expected. 3) He was controlling in a very subtle manner, which interesting enough, until reading youryour article I never knew was a sign that he lacked trust. Thanks for the great article!
Shonettejackson says
My husband constantly accvussing me of gazing at other men and sleeping with other men. I have never cheated on him or even thought about it. I ‘m making a list of all the men he has accussed me of . It is more than 20. Its not even logical that I could be cheating. I am a full time student. I work full time. I take care of the children and own a couple of smalll businesses. I try to talk to him and help him understand how I couldn’t be cheating and tell him how faithful I am, he acts like he believes it but each week the accussations come back. I’m getting tired of it. If I was a weak person he would have driven me to cheat by now.
Delano Squires says
Shonette,
Thanks for being so open and transparent about your situation. I don’t know your husband but I’ve found that oftentimes the types of baseless, irrational accusations you describe are projections of someone else’s behavior. At times people will accuse you of doing things that you have never done (or have no intention of doing) because of the things that they themselves are doing. He could also be deeply afraid of being cheated on, due to instances of infidelity in previous relationships. You should ask your husband exactly why he believes you’d cheat on him, and whether that type of behavior actually lines up with the person he’s known you to be. Maybe a counselor or therapist might be able to help you two figure out the root of his accusations and help you process the feelings that result from constantly being accused. I pray that you two come to a place of resolution. Continue to be true to yourself.
Daaim777 says
Sounds like he may not be seeing you enough. You are quite busy. You are a full-time student, work full-time, have two business and take care of children. When do you actually see him?
CissyTRUTH says
Shonette, as someone who has recently experienced what you are currently going through…your husband misses you and probably imagines your busy schedule to be exciting and opening the doors to opportunities to meet other people, in addition to enhancing your career and other things. I have been in mtgs and had my husband call me while I was with colleagues accusing me of affairs and I had to rush home to work things out (by choice). So I can certainly relate.
If you want your marriage to improve, you must carve out more time to re-assure your mate. Whenever we have a full schedule, something goes lacking. If you want your marriage to be a happy one you have to make time for it. I have been guilty of over scheduling and not including family life in that schedule and its unfair to everyone around me, so now things are different, I have 4 opportunities to expand my business but have put them all on hold and will only give them 2 evenings per week (I already work full time). That was my solution.
Its a gift to be driven and successful, we just have to balance it.
[email protected] is my email if you need support via email. i’m a clinician by trade. Best to you, slow down, rest and enjoy your marriage/family life!
Choice-Driven Life says
CissyTruth makes GREAT points. How much time do you choose to give to your relationship? And the “weak person would have been driven to cheat” comment….. that may be a sentiment you want to explore. Cheating would be a choice for which you would have 100% responsibility. No one else’s behavior could justify or validate another person’s choice to cheat. No blaming here. Another thought – you can “cheat” in other ways, not just with another man. Whatever gets so much of your time, attention, energy, and love qualifies. A job, a project, etc. Maybe examine his complaints from that perspective. Loving someone means taking and making time for your relationship. Your time can’t be spent just like it was when you were single. What’s the point of joining your lives together when you still choose to spend so much of it apart? And yes, all your obligations are your choice. So when you think, “so, what, am I supposed to just give up x,y,z for this marriage?! ” Yep. Make a choice. 24 hours in a day.
Uncertain says
Trust is a major pillar in the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without it, the relationship is rocky and tumultuous. I understand that. I also understand how difficult it is to let go of past hurts and fully embrace your current relationship as though you had no past. With that being said there are simple things your SO can do that promotes feelings of security in the relationship. I’m not talking about anything over the top or irrational like calling in every hour. That is ridiculous. However, if your relationship is on the level where a future together has been discussed, there are things that should be expected. Such as, his child (age 13) comes to town for the holidays and he plans on spending Chistmas with her and his ex-wife and her family. You are not invited. Although you two have been together for a few years, you have done things with and for his kids all of this time, and you two have agreed that you do have a future together, this type of thing makes one question the seriousness of the relationship. Perhaps being upset about it and giving that situation the side eye simply demonstrates my own lack of security. I am trying hard to work those trust issues out. It’s difficult when you are asked to swallow big pills such as this.