During this series, I have gained valuable knowledge and also quite a few confirmations on what I’ve already learned and what I currently teach about relationships. But I must say this has been my favorite conversation thus far. I know many couples, unfortunately, who struggle with the amount and frequency of intimacy they experience. For that very reason I must share the information provided during this webcast. Alison Armstrong, an author, educator, and designer of the wildly acclaimed Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop series, was the expert guest.
Allison Armstrong shares the secret to great sex, even when no one is in the mood. This webcast focused more on understanding men. She recommends that we must first acknowledge that men are nothing like women; they are simply not put together to think or feel like us. If women are wondering how to get men to talk about what they are feeling, Allison says “men will try to come up with a feeling because they think that’s what women want. Men are more focused on values and facts; men will tell you how they feel then list the facts for you.” Because of course they are most focused on facts. Allison also provided a startling piece of news: “Today it has been said women are having much less sex than their grandmother did.” This stood out to me most because of how liberated women are now. We’re more independent, more open, or so I thought. In our marriages, however, we appear to be holding back.
Armstrong further states that men could have more sex if women have fewer orgasms because the only thought for men is to make his woman have an orgasm. Allison also explains some women don’t have to have an orgasm, and that those women should be more willing to have a drive-through for the man they love (quick sex without an orgasm). As far as intimacy, partners should ask for what they want. The highlight from this webcast was what Allison called the elements of a healthy sex life. Honesty regarding what you want and what you feel was the major element along with creating a safe place for intimacy to occur and being informed of what pleases our partner.
Another major take-away was the idea of how being intimate only when we want to is wrong. It leaves our sex up to hormones; if that’s the case we won’t have sex nearly enough. Allison suggests our “want to” should be later and our first focus should be on nurturing and providing for our partner. In long-term relationships the challenges with sex is normally getting it started.
Allison advises, to increase the fire in marriage, our focus must first be the “yes,” and then create the “want to” when it comes to sex. Each partner must also be aware of what fills their sexy tank. She also hits on the key as to why women aren’t as interested in sex as men. “Many women dress their body and drag it around; we must be interested in our bodies to want our husbands in our body. For a good sex life, keep yourself in your body,” says Allison. She also recommends that husbands can help their wives feel better about their bodies by taking them dancing or running their bath water, just to name a few.
Of course women we are still going to have those moments, which Armstrong describes as “pumpkin hours,” when Cinderella’s coach turns back to the pumpkin. And we just simply aren’t up to it, but even during those moments, we must be open and willing to create the “yes.”
Another key ingredient is for each partner to know each other’s signals””what turns your partner on. For those of us who are a little more reserved when it comes to initiating intimacy, Armstrong suggests creating a code word to use when you are interested in sex. Make sure your partner knows this code word.
This webcast reminded women of the benefits of sex for us as well as our husbands, including reducing the risk of prostate cancer.
And lastly, Armstrong proposes we add fun to sex with what she calls jump starts and desserts. “Jump starts is something your partner can say or a way they can touch you to take you from dead battery to fully charged,” advises Allison. In each of us there are certain words and actions that take us there. She recommends that our spouses not use these words during our pumpkin hours. Desserts was explained as “every woman has something that’s always a good idea that you will always say yes to.” Even during those pumpkin hours, these words or actions never get turned down. Again, make sure you tell your partner. Armstrong was a wealth of knowledge on how to improve your sex life. The majority of her wisdom stemmed from her 20-year study and research of men.
The Art of Love Relationship Series is about bringing insight and improving marriages. Stay tuned for more highlights as the series continues.
BMWK, what are your thoughts on the tips provided on building a healthy sex life in your marriage?