Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am currently going through a divorce, my ex husband and I have two beautiful children and have been legally separated for three years. Our divorce is taking some time because there are issues with properties, retirement, businesses, etc that are taking some time to work through.
The first two years of my separation I didn’t date at all, I focused on building myself and working through the issues within my marriage as no relationship falls apart because of one person. About a year ago, I met an older man (around 45, I’m in my early 30s) who I became friends with.
At some point he expressed a romantic interest but made it clear that he didn’t want to get involved because although I am separated from my husband, legally we are still married. He is very supportive and we have great conversations. He will buy birthday and Christmas gifts for my children and I. Nothing big, but small things that let me know he’s attentive. I can call him if my car breaks down or if my children are participating in some activity. We volunteer at a youth center together so he was already involved with my children (that’s how we met).
Recently we had a conversation where I expressed that I felt he wasn’t really consistent. We would talk for a few days and then a week would go by before we’d talk again. Sometimes I call him and he doesn’t always call back. He decided to be transparent and shared that he feels like I am the total package, what a man would be looking for in a woman but will not get further involved with me since I am still married. As he put it, he is too old to be hiding. He enjoys public affectionate and doesn’t want to be secretive.
He gave the example that if I met a man who said he was married but getting a divorce would I talk to him? I answered that I would absolutely would not. I have been cheated on and would not do that to another woman.
So that’s my dilemma. My girlfriends are telling me that he’s playing me and not really serious…that I am wasting my time. We’ve never gone out (because he doesn’t want to be secretive) but we have also never even held hands let alone even come close to being intimate so what game would he be playing. I don’t find it hard to believe that what he shared was genuine because in reality it makes sense to me. My divorce is being held up by things that are out of my control.
So honestly how can I not believe those are his true feelings. My girlfriends believe he’s an old school player…and I have no idea what game he is playing. I have been out of the dating scene for long time so I am not sure what to think. Am I being naïve for believing that older men are able to be honest? Please help!
Dear Am I being Naive,
You are not being naïve. You have taken time to explore the guy’s intentions and have come to believe that his words and actions are genuine. I know that it can be scary to trust again after experiencing a divorce, but I can assure you that you will not find happiness again if you live in fear and become suspicious of every man you meet.
As you stated, you have taken some time time to examine yourself so you can heal and learn how to date properly. Trust your heart and extinct. Do not be afraid to believe in people. I know you appreciate your girlfriends for looking out for you and having your best interest at hand. This is noteworthy, but I believe they are being a little dramatic.
You should respect the man for being honest and straightforward. Men, old or young who play games typically try to hide things and keep women in the dark. You have not invested anything in him that he has not invested in you at this point. You both enjoy each others’ company and conversations. Continue to take your time to get to know him. Monitor his actions over time and check to see if he continues to express consideration for you and your situation. Compare his actions and words for consistence. Remember that actions speak louder than words.
Bottom line: Any respectful, conscious and considerate man or woman would move slowly in this situation. Stepping back to revaluate what is happening is a good thing. If he is developing feelings too fast, it is normal to step-back if he feels that the situation is not right. Just because he steps back or slows down does not mean that he is playing you. Enjoy the positive interactions and energy, keep your eyes open and remain rational. Do not allow your heart to do what your mind cannot handle. Feeling and doing without thinking is a recipe for disaster. Keep asking yourself questions and be patient with the process. He cannot force you to do anything that you do not want to do. I say this to remind you that no one can play you unless you participate.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.