Dr. Buckingham,
I have been dating this guy for several months and I am starting to fall in love with him. I think he is the one for me, but he keeps telling me that he loves me, but is not in love with me. What does that mean?
Thanks, Erica
Dear Erica,
Over the past fourteen years, I have heard hundreds of men tell women they love them, but are not in love with them. I started to inquire about the meaning and kept notes. After reviewing my notes and discussing this with men, I came up with the following explanation: when a man tells a woman he loves her, he means that he cares about her deeply and would never want anything to happen to her. He views her as someone who is special. He distinguishes love from being in love by detaching emotionally. When he says that he is not in love, he is saying that he does not feel attached to you on an emotional level—he does not feel spiritually or intimately attached.
This is typically not a good situation to be in because someone (you) will eventually get hurt. Without emotional and spiritual intimacy no relationship can thrive. Be careful of dealing with emotionally unavailable individuals because they will suck the life out of you and move on. It is important to remember that falling in love is a choice and you should chose to be with someone who intends to fall in love with you. You can learn more about how to cope with emotionally unavailable men by reading my latest book, Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single.
Good luck! Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post