by Aja Jackson
I will admit it- I rank the Real Housewives of Atlanta high on my list of guilty pleasures but I take a little comfort in knowing that I’m not alone. Four million people tuned in for the premier of the show’s second season eager to watch the guaranteed drama ensue between the five frenemies. Catfights, backstabbing, and wig pulling aside though, the show does offer some occasional unexpected glimpses into the lives of real Black relationships. From Ed Hartwell’s romantic evening for wife Lisa, to NeNe’s willingness to go to bat for suspected negative comments about her husband Greg, at least two of the show’s characters are depicted in happy black marriages, which is something seldom seen on television these days.
In a recent episode, however, the relationship between former Xscape member Kandi Burruss and fiancé AJ showed a good example of why it is important to make sure your relationship is on solid ground before you walk down the aisle. In case you are not one of the aforementioned 4 million, fiancé AJ has six kids by four different women which makes Kandi’s mother understandably anxious about the couple’s pending union. While marrying a man with six kids and four potential sources of baby-mama-drama may be extreme, it is very common these days for one or both partners to come into a relationship with children. While watching this episode, I noticed a few areas where the couple may be setting themselves up for stumbling blocks in the long run.
1. Allowing kids to become attached to potential mates too soon
Knowing when to fully integrate your potential mate into your child’s life can be a difficult balance for a single parent. Introduce too early and you run the risk of the child becoming attached to someone that isn’t there to stay; too late and you may not know how the person interacts with your child until the relationship has begun to develop. When I was still a single parent, I opted to err on the side of caution, and to begin developing the relationship between my daughter and then boyfriend slowly. From the way that Candi’s daughter Riley seems enamored by AJ to Candi’s assertion that the three of them are a “happy family”, you would think that this family relationship had been years in the making. To find out that the couple has only been dating for 7 months raises a red flag. Although the couple is engaged, stamping the happy family title on them with all of their other lingering issues just seems like a little too much too soon.
2. Not reaching out to the family
If you don’t know anything else about Candi’s momma you know one thing: she does not want her daughter to marry AJ. I can imagine that most mothers in her situation would want their daughter to think a second (and third and fourth) time before committing to a man with so much baggage. Yet, AJ seems to have made no attempt ease some of the tension by at least talking to his future mother-in-law. While we are beyond the days of a man having to officially go to a woman’s parents to request her hand in marriage, having a conversation with the in-laws is a good gesture even when there are no pre-existing issues. While it is unlikely that a conversation will bring him fully into mother-in-law’s good graces, it will begin to open the lines of communication and at the very least, show an attempt to gain the family’s support.
3. Acting like the issues don’t matter
My daughter’s father and I have developed a very good relationship when it comes to taking care of her. Yet even with our good relationship, there is still occasional conflict. There is no way to raise a child with someone, even if that someone is your husband, and not have occasions where you disagree. Kandi often seems to suggest that drama between AJ and the mothers of his kids does not exist. Even in the ideal scenario where none of these women are particularly dramatic, the day-to-day issues that arise between any two people while child rearing will be multiplied times four, and there is no way to close your eyes to that reality.
Aja Jackson is the author of the blog Baby Bumping which can be found at www.babybumping.blogspot.com. You can reach her via email at ajadorsey@hotmail.com.