by Aja Jackson
I will admit it- I rank the Real Housewives of Atlanta high on my list of guilty pleasures but I take a little comfort in knowing that I’m not alone. Four million people tuned in for the premier of the show’s second season eager to watch the guaranteed drama ensue between the five frenemies. Catfights, backstabbing, and wig pulling aside though, the show does offer some occasional unexpected glimpses into the lives of real Black relationships. From Ed Hartwell’s romantic evening for wife Lisa, to NeNe’s willingness to go to bat for suspected negative comments about her husband Greg, at least two of the show’s characters are depicted in happy black marriages, which is something seldom seen on television these days.
In a recent episode, however, the relationship between former Xscape member Kandi Burruss and fiancé AJ showed a good example of why it is important to make sure your relationship is on solid ground before you walk down the aisle. In case you are not one of the aforementioned 4 million, fiancé AJ has six kids by four different women which makes Kandi’s mother understandably anxious about the couple’s pending union. While marrying a man with six kids and four potential sources of baby-mama-drama may be extreme, it is very common these days for one or both partners to come into a relationship with children. While watching this episode, I noticed a few areas where the couple may be setting themselves up for stumbling blocks in the long run.
1. Allowing kids to become attached to potential mates too soon
Knowing when to fully integrate your potential mate into your child’s life can be a difficult balance for a single parent. Introduce too early and you run the risk of the child becoming attached to someone that isn’t there to stay; too late and you may not know how the person interacts with your child until the relationship has begun to develop. When I was still a single parent, I opted to err on the side of caution, and to begin developing the relationship between my daughter and then boyfriend slowly. From the way that Candi’s daughter Riley seems enamored by AJ to Candi’s assertion that the three of them are a “happy family”, you would think that this family relationship had been years in the making. To find out that the couple has only been dating for 7 months raises a red flag. Although the couple is engaged, stamping the happy family title on them with all of their other lingering issues just seems like a little too much too soon.
2. Not reaching out to the family
If you don’t know anything else about Candi’s momma you know one thing: she does not want her daughter to marry AJ. I can imagine that most mothers in her situation would want their daughter to think a second (and third and fourth) time before committing to a man with so much baggage. Yet, AJ seems to have made no attempt ease some of the tension by at least talking to his future mother-in-law. While we are beyond the days of a man having to officially go to a woman’s parents to request her hand in marriage, having a conversation with the in-laws is a good gesture even when there are no pre-existing issues. While it is unlikely that a conversation will bring him fully into mother-in-law’s good graces, it will begin to open the lines of communication and at the very least, show an attempt to gain the family’s support.
3. Acting like the issues don’t matter
My daughter’s father and I have developed a very good relationship when it comes to taking care of her. Yet even with our good relationship, there is still occasional conflict. There is no way to raise a child with someone, even if that someone is your husband, and not have occasions where you disagree. Kandi often seems to suggest that drama between AJ and the mothers of his kids does not exist. Even in the ideal scenario where none of these women are particularly dramatic, the day-to-day issues that arise between any two people while child rearing will be multiplied times four, and there is no way to close your eyes to that reality.
Aja Jackson is the author of the blog Baby Bumping which can be found at www.babybumping.blogspot.com. You can reach her via email at [email protected].
Harriet says
Awesome wisdom shared, Aja!!
My husband had one son prior to us meeting, and I just can’t imagine dealing with that dynamic with 3 more women. His son’s mother makes it easy…we all act like grown folks, and we’re all allergic to unnecessary conflict (some is necessary, though), so that’s definitely a blessing.
As for Kandi, it looks like she’s opened her eyes a little. She said she wasn’t sure if she was staying in her relationship to spite her mama or because she really loved AJ. They called the wedding off last week: https://www.realitytea.com/2009/08/27/atlanta-housewives-kandi-burruss-the-wedding-is-off/
Lynn says
I do not watch the show. After my divorce I had an older single mom tell me never to allow any man I am Just dating in my sons life. It was not till I was dating my now husband for 1 year did he meet my son. It takes time. I did not rubber stamp us before it was time.
Lynn says
Wait! 4 baby momma’s and 6 kids? This guy did not have luggage, He had a few sets of luggage! Only knew each other for 7 months? This was a divorce action in the making.
.elle denise. says
Good post!
(LOL @ Lynn…dude has a trailorload of luggage)
Shayla says
As always, great writing!! You couldn’t have said it any better.. marry with your eyes open! That is so true, I definitely agree that there is going to be conflict with 1 baby mama, but 4?! I find it hard to believe that there is absolutely no drama at all, at least 2 of them are not easy going! I will stay tuned til your next article!
Monyette says
Good writing Aja,
I agree, marrying someone with 4 baby mama’s is conflict in the making. I have to deal with 1 baby mama, and luckily we have all grown up to be able to deal with each other respectfully, but to have to deal with 4, that’s too much. You have to understand his relationship with each of them and deal with each differently. That’s a lot for anyone to handle, so my hat’s off to Kandi. God bless you sista!
Tiya' says
Aja,
Great post. This show is also one of my guilty pleasures. We have to marry with our eyes open, especially when children are involved. I think in one episode, Kandi’s daughter was mentioning all the children and how things would change once her mom and A.J. got married. I have always agreed with Kandi’s mom, as a parent our first job is to protect our children from danger and potential hurt, and all the things you mentioned in this post can lead to hurt. Harriet, I am not surprised to see they called it off. Kandi just needs to make sure she is truly ready for all that comes along with a marriage to this man.
Ms. Miko says
Well I watch the show, and it Khandi amazes me, it seems to me she just wants to be married by any means neccessary. He has to many kids, to many baby momma’s point blank. I feel where her mom is coming from. I agree that her daughter is to attached to him and he has only been around for 7months. And that’s bull that they don’t have any drama with 4 baby momma’s lol I had to laugh at that..
When I started dating my husband my son was 3yrs and I didn’t allow them to develop a real relationship for at least 2 yrs, and he started to call him daddy when he was about 7 or 8, and we still dated 5 1/2 yrs before we married. And drama me and my son’s donor always had drama..(cause he’s dead beat) and even if he wasn’t we would just because we don’t see eye to eye on alot of things.
So with that said she is living in a false reality.
Staycee2 says
WOW WOW WOW!!!!!! AJ AWESOME post!!!!!!!!!!
I married my husband bringing 1 daughter and him bringing 2 sons into the relationship. Now we have together 1 son together, bringing our kid total to 4 kids
My husbands ex-wife passed 2 months ago and thank god we never EVER had drama. When two come together they need to remember this title to this article! Never in a million years that I would think that I would be raising someone else’s kids!!!!!! Yes, my stepsons came to visit, but it was always guaranteed they would always return home to their mother!
I am humbled to say that I thank god that he put me with their dad because god knew their mother wouldn’t be here to raise them and I was the one to assume her responsibilities.
I love my stepsons unconditionally and thank their mother for a drama free 10 years since my hubby and I have been together! Good rest her soul and I will not let her down on raising her boys to the best of my abilites! But I will be teaching my 4 kids to be careful what they ask for, they just might get it!
Funkidivagirl says
Great post and everything that you said is so very true.
SingLikeSassy says
it is very common these days for one or both partners to come into a relationship with children.
Not sure this is “common” as I can’t think of one married couple I know who had children prior to marriage and I know a whole bunch of single folks who don’t have children.
As for Kandi, I’m not sure what connection she has with AJ but it is interesting that she would entertain someone who has so much baggage and made so many poor choices. Flame me if you like, but 6 children with 4 different women — none of whom he has been married to — is poor choices. I would have a hard time believing/trusting he could make good decisions for our family given his track record.
But, maybe he’s changed or learned or whatever and really makes Kandi happy. Good luck with that.
cocoamommy says
Last week I had to tune in to this show to see the hype was all about. I did see the episode where Khandi’s mother walked out of the photo shoot. In my opinion 6 kids with 4 different mothers is enough of a red flag… How do you even begin to blend a situation like this? Should she not have standards in terms of a minimum # of children of a potential mate? Where is the future in this relationship? After being married I see the importance of forging strong relationships with your extended family especially when you have children. If you do not have this relationship with the extended family it can be very stressful for your relationship as well as with your children spending time with family members. It is amazing the comfort level people have with introducing their kids to “boyfriends” or “girlfriends”. If you continue to show this behavior to your children what are you teaching them?
jane doe says
I too found it amazing that she was ‘so in love’ with him after such a short time, but what was worse was that it seemed like EVERYONE that knew and liked her thought that this relationship was crazy.
Hats off to her mom….
Who would want that for a son in law?
6 kids= mega child support
If kandi were to marry him it would be like Kandi had 8 kids (him, her daughter and the 6 he brings to the marriage)
She was too good for that mess.
(isn’t every woman?)
glad for her mom that this is over.
She will thank her lucky stars in a year or two
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