By Eric Payne
Those who follow my blog, MakesMeWannaHoller.com, know that I’ve got a 14 year old and a 4 year old and most days I’m up to my eyeballs with the two of them. Some days, my 4 year old girl shows me myself when I was a little boy growing up. Sometimes she does so with such accuracy, it’s as if I’m looking into a mirror of my past. My son is a different story. I met him nearly ten years before my daughter arrived. But he and I have nothing in common genetically. He was five years old and my then girlfriend’s little man. The two of them had lived an entire lifetime before I came on the scene. And because the sight of her with her child didn’t send me running, I was faced with the huge challenge of figuring out how, where and why to fit in. It was an effort that was easier said than done and most certainly didn’t happen overnight. Nor did it miraculously or naturally occur because I fell in love. There was no way I was going to play second fiddle to a relationship that existed before me, but there was no way I was going to usurp a relationship between a single mother and her son. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, until I realized I wasn’t supposed to be in that space at all. In fact things didn’t begin to work in that early family unit of ours until I came to realize I had to create my own space and then occupy it.
Some things to consider:
If you saw a child in need and had no idea who they were, what would you do? Would you seek to get in good with the child or would you just see to it that their needs are met? Most would probably opt for the latter and seek approval later. When it comes to taking on another man or woman’s child the natural inclination is to seek approval, but in doing so you inadvertently put yourself on the child’s level and then become subject to his or her games. A definite no-no if you ask me. Additionally, a child should not be some sort of challenge to overcome in order to get in good with your new mate. Figure out the needs that you can address and address them. Whether he or she is initially grateful is irrelevant in the face of the overall benefit that child will receive as a result of your investment into their life.
Find a common interest between you and the child or create one. For me and my boy it was superheroes and swimming. 1.) When the first Spider-Man movie debuted I had the opportunity to share with him my love for the unrealistic that dated back more than two decades. Now he won’t go see a superhero movie without first asking me to take him and he can rattle off nearly as many facts as I can. 2.) On more than one occasion I watched him struggle during pool parties back when he was little. I decided to step up and step in, opting to pay for him to take private swimming lessons. Here he was able to overcome any level of shyness that might have prevented him from thriving in a group setting. It was a sizeable investment back then that paid out major dividends. He has no fear of water and swims like a fish. These two experiences, among others, that he and I alone have and can always fall back on as memories in common. They speak to our relationship — something that hopefully he can pass on to his own children one day.
There is no 2nd fiddle. Learn to understand as quickly as possible that you cannot insert yourself between the bond that your mate has with their child. It isn’t your job to come in and take charge where you think an absentee father or mother should. It’s your job to love your mate to the best of your ability and develop and define your own space in their lives. The more this happens, the more the child will hopefully come to accept and eventually listen to you. One of the most meaningful moments in my life with my son was the day he called me, “Dad.” I didn’t look up at first because I couldn’t believe he would ever call me that, but as I had assumed this station in his life, he in turn responded accordingly.
To sum it up, when beginning a new life with someone who is not alone you have to honestly ask yourself, do you want to be in between the space occupied by a parent and their child? Are you looking for a new parent? If your answer is no to both of these questions, then pursue a different set of alternatives. 1.) Understand that finding your natural place in the relationship might not be easy and might take some real time, longer than you even believe it should. 2.) Ultimately your goal should be to get to a place where you can love that absentee parent’s child as you would your own, not “get in good” with your partner’s kid. Getting in good is a fruit your labor of love, not the goal.
And finally, as Luke 16:12 states in the Bible: “If you have not been faithful in that which is another man’s, who will give you your own?” I sincerely believe blended families are brought together for a reason. If you find yourself in one of these situations as I did, understand it isn’t just happenstance. Over time I came to understand that I was chosen to raise my son — despite my initial doubts and internal conflicts along the way. Because I considered it a calling it was a job I refused and continue to refuse to fall down on. Had I not put in the time and effort I did with him I am certain I wouldn’t have been blessed with the daughter and tight knit family I have today.
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), you can find Eric at MakesMeWannaHoller.com, blogging about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between. Check out his restaurant reviews and NYC tourism articles at NYMetropolista.com. He’s also a contributing writer for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine. Additionally, he is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories.