When I was first informed of the BMWK topic for the week (blended families) I immediately thought I would have nothing to contribute this week. Thinking neither my husband nor I had children prior to our dating. But then it hit me, and I don’t know why it hadn’t before:I am a product of a blended family. I have been someone’s stepdaughter, half-sister and stepsister as long as I can remember. My parents hadn’t been together since I was a toddler. So I believe I do have something significant to add to this very meaningful subject.
As I think back on my childhood I admit having an immediate dislike for my stepmom. Almost as if I was supposed to. The question that always surfaced for me was, “Why her and not my mom?” Although my mom had remarried too, my frustration was with my dad. I put the responsibility on him for us not being a complete family and for me not having a full sibling with the same parents. As an adult I realize I was wrong. My stepmom has shown true love for me. Both of my parents did the best they could during that time. I would have suffered even more had they remained in a relationship neither of them wanted.
Once a child realizes they have no control over the choices their parents make, the anger starts to subside and they make the most of the life they are given. We move on, but sometimes we still hurt. Even as an adult with my own family, from time to time I still dwell on what I feel I missed. I love watching my husband with our girls. I think and want to express how blessed they are to grow up in a home with their dad; being able to see him and talk to him every day. I pray they never take it for granted. In a blended family, it’s important that the children created outside of the marriage are made to feel just as significant as the other children. They must be included in family vacations, reunions and be allowed to spend that quality time with their parent when needed. The key is to do what it takes to prevent them from ever feeling like an outsider.
My dad is very much in my life; we call and I visit when I can. But even with my visits, that occasional outsider feeling creeps in. My siblings, I share my father with, have great relationships with him, which further remind me I had been on the outside and that I’ve missed out on certain things. They don’t do this intentionally, of course. But it has felt awkward. I feel silly that as an adult those feelings still surface. However, I am learning that our relationship is ongoing and it will take effort from the both of us. I can’t change my childhood, but I do have control over our future relationship. And I am looking forward to it.