You may have heard the statistic that around 30 % of children live as part of a blended family. But here is another statistic you may not have heard very often: It is estimated that roughly 3% of children in the U.S. are born as the result of an extramarital affair.
That percentage may not seem astounding on its own, but it amounts to more than 2 million children, meaning that there are at least a couple million families that have been “blended” after the couple has already made that walk down the aisle. It is a reality that no couple wants to deal with, but one that many couples are living with every day, and despite the challenges there seems to be little by way of help and information for those families.
Men aren’t the only ones dipping out (anybody seen Maury lately?). This post in fact was inspired by an episode of the OWN network’s show Unfaithful, which features true stories of couples that have overcome infidelity. In this episode, a pastor’s wife and mother of three became pregnant through an affair. Through lots of counseling and hard work, the husband was able to forgive his wife, accept her new child even to the point that he named the baby after himself, and the couple has now been married for nearly 30 years.
In my mind, an outside baby has always been number one on my list of “out” clauses. When I got married among my seven deadly marriage sins were cheating, abuse, and walking around in bikini briefs (kidding!). But seriously it’s something that I have never even considered sticking around through. Fortunately I haven’t encountered the scenario, but seeing it happen, not just on television but in the marriages of family and friends, I’ve noticed some common themes around those that have been able to navigate those harsh waters:
Full Disclosure: Honesty on both the part of the cheating spouse as early as possible is key. I cannot imagine the level of deception that it would take to hide a child for years, but it can by no means be healthy for anyone involved, especially the child. Come clean, and be willing to deal with what comes next.
Being Realistic: The spouse who was cheated on needs to be realistic about the weight of the situation they’re dealing with and whether or not they can carry it. Not only is there the recovery from being wounded by the affair, but there will forever be a living, breathing reminder of what took place.
Commit: If you’ve decided to continue with the marriage, know that there is a lot of work ahead in rebuilding trust. Be willing to do whatever it takes to move your marriage forward.
Establish Boundaries: Rebuilding trust after an affair is a process by itself, and an even rougher process when your spouse has to continuously be in contact with the other man or woman for at least the next 18 years. Rules need to be established and maintained with the former mistress or mister to make sure that lines aren’t crossed.
Acceptance of the Child: No matter what, the affair was not the child’s fault. The child deserves the love of his parents regardless of the way that he got here. Just like children in any other type of blended family, the child of the affair shouldn’t be treated like a “step-child.”