by Aja Dorsey Jackson
It all started with broccoli. One night a few years ago, when my now 10-year-old was about seven my husband, who is not my daughter’s father, noticed at dinner that she was trying to avoid eating her broccoli by pushing it around on her plate (that “trick” never seems to die).
“Eat your broccoli.” He told her.
She proceeded to nibble on the top of one piece. When my husband told her that she needed to eat more, she started trying to negotiate how many pieces she needed to eat, then went to complaining that she couldn’t eat it because it had sauce on it, then acted like she was choking on it which led me to make her leave the table to which she then replied “My Dad wouldn’t make me eat broccoli!”
After the broccoli incident, she went through a phase for a couple of months where she would state that her father let her do things that we did not allow. My husband would tell her to turn her television off at night and she would say “My Dad lets me stay up and watch TV”. Once she realized that her “my Dad lets me” didn’t matter in the end when it came to me and her stepfather, she started complaining to grandparents that my husband didn’t let her do anything fun.
While she never came right out and said “You aren’t my father, you can’t tell me what to do”, her behavior suggested she believed that was the case. To be able to maintain discipline in our household where we also have a younger child together, we had to teach her early on that although she may have been used to following my rules only before we all lived under the same roof, and her father’s rules at his house, she now would have to obey the rules set by my husband and I in our household. There are a few things we have learned along the way to ease that transition.
As much as possible, we stay on the same page with her father in terms of discipline. Usually her cries of “My Dad lets me..” are not true and just a way for her to try and get what she wants. I was not surprised to find out that she uses “My Mom lets me”…” at his house. We communicate bed times, homework schedule, and concerns about what we will and will not allow so that the rules remain relatively uniform from home to home.
My husband and I remain a united front on issues in front of the kids. This was challenging for me initially. Because I was so used to making the rules, sometimes it was difficult to step back and allow someone else to take control of a situation involving my child. However I realize that questioning him in front of her will only give her more fuel to play both sides against one another. Even if we disagree with one another, we discuss the issue away from the children.
We realize that they are our children. My husband refers to my daughter as his daughter, not his step daughter. Our son together and my daughter are both our children which means that we don’t play favorites either way.
We know that this is a process. It isn’t always easy as grown-ups to learn to live with someone and it can be even more difficult for children who don’t always understand the changing dynamics. Even with a few years of marriage under our belt, my daughter will still occasionally attempt to compare households when she doesn’t get her way. Successfully blending a family doesn’t happen overnight. Like marriage, it is a learning process and by trying to remain understanding, keeping the communication lines open, and being your spouse’s partner in discipline you can help to make the transition run more smoothly.
Do you have tips for handling discipline in a blended family?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her at www.twitter.com/ajajackson.
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