by Aja Dorsey Jackson
It all started with broccoli. One night a few years ago, when my now 10-year-old was about seven my husband, who is not my daughter’s father, noticed at dinner that she was trying to avoid eating her broccoli by pushing it around on her plate (that “trick” never seems to die).
“Eat your broccoli.” He told her.
She proceeded to nibble on the top of one piece. When my husband told her that she needed to eat more, she started trying to negotiate how many pieces she needed to eat, then went to complaining that she couldn’t eat it because it had sauce on it, then acted like she was choking on it which led me to make her leave the table to which she then replied “My Dad wouldn’t make me eat broccoli!”
After the broccoli incident, she went through a phase for a couple of months where she would state that her father let her do things that we did not allow. My husband would tell her to turn her television off at night and she would say “My Dad lets me stay up and watch TV”. Once she realized that her “my Dad lets me” didn’t matter in the end when it came to me and her stepfather, she started complaining to grandparents that my husband didn’t let her do anything fun.
While she never came right out and said “You aren’t my father, you can’t tell me what to do”, her behavior suggested she believed that was the case. To be able to maintain discipline in our household where we also have a younger child together, we had to teach her early on that although she may have been used to following my rules only before we all lived under the same roof, and her father’s rules at his house, she now would have to obey the rules set by my husband and I in our household. There are a few things we have learned along the way to ease that transition.
As much as possible, we stay on the same page with her father in terms of discipline. Usually her cries of “My Dad lets me..” are not true and just a way for her to try and get what she wants. I was not surprised to find out that she uses “My Mom lets me”…” at his house. We communicate bed times, homework schedule, and concerns about what we will and will not allow so that the rules remain relatively uniform from home to home.
My husband and I remain a united front on issues in front of the kids. This was challenging for me initially. Because I was so used to making the rules, sometimes it was difficult to step back and allow someone else to take control of a situation involving my child. However I realize that questioning him in front of her will only give her more fuel to play both sides against one another. Even if we disagree with one another, we discuss the issue away from the children.
We realize that they are our children. My husband refers to my daughter as his daughter, not his step daughter. Our son together and my daughter are both our children which means that we don’t play favorites either way.
We know that this is a process. It isn’t always easy as grown-ups to learn to live with someone and it can be even more difficult for children who don’t always understand the changing dynamics. Even with a few years of marriage under our belt, my daughter will still occasionally attempt to compare households when she doesn’t get her way. Successfully blending a family doesn’t happen overnight. Like marriage, it is a learning process and by trying to remain understanding, keeping the communication lines open, and being your spouse’s partner in discipline you can help to make the transition run more smoothly.
Do you have tips for handling discipline in a blended family?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her at www.twitter.com/ajajackson.
All Week we’ll be running articles on Blended Families from a different perspective each day. To catch up on what you may have missed just click here.
Ruby Griffin says
This is a really touch and go articles,dam if you do and dam if you don’t….I have been in a lot of these situation,i have heard it all,and seem it all,when it come down to discpline our children’s in our household,they didn’t have a voice,when it come to our rules,they would scream,cry,go througt all they drama,and at the end of the day,i was still there,it didn’t take them long to notice,i wasn’t going nowhere,and then after everyday it got better,,i understood what they was going throught ,i was a complete stranger to them all,as they was to me,so we learn,as we grew together…Don’t get me wrong…They put up a hell of a battle for they dad,but i’m still standing,the only weapon,i fought back with was was love and understanding,and communication,now they are all grown,and i can’t fight them away…we sat around talk and laugh about the past all the time,they would tell me…mom,you was a hard nut to crack,i said no i wasn’t,you’ll just didn’t know how to crack me….i never has a blending family,my husband children’s came into my life, in the beginning as my children’s,what given me the strenght,and the power,of rising of our children’s was the love and support of my husband…by believing in me that i would make the right decision,in the growing years,by treating other,as you want to be treated….
Fran says
the tips you gave are the same ones that we use,but we learned our in counseling. wanted to make sure we this family thing down pat.
Kisha says
We’re on our way to being a blended family. I have 2 children. My fiancé has 3; twins from a previos relationship and a younger son from his previous marriage. Its tough sometimes to have him discipline my kids. Of course he has far more interaction with mine than I do with his (and yes, we refer to them as OURS. I’m using “mine” & “his” for understanding). I’ve spent 11 years as a single mom so 1) I’ve been the sole rule maker 2) I’m not a pushover but when its just you, its impossible to cover 100% of the bases 100% of the time. Sometimes I think he’s being hard on them; but I remind myself that 1) he doesn’t treat my kids any differently than his own. 2) I love him and I know he loves me and my kids. 3) I can’t want all of the other aspects of our married life but then want to keep the disciplining of my kids to myself.
We’ve done our research and work to prevent any perceived favortism or unfairness. I’m sure we have some uphill battles but we’re ready! 🙂
Ruby Griffin says
I learn mine from self experience of rising 29 stepchildren’s ,and three of my own..hand on experience,and all my children love me to death,you don’t have to go to counseling,to know how to rise or discipline,no children’s,i make not have all the book sense,but i do have common sense,to know what it take to make a happy family,you’ll hit the main source for a blending family,but i didn’t read your until you respond back to mine…what i do is only comment on your question…
Lamar says
@Ruby- I think she was talking about the tips in the article not your comment
Aja says
@Kisha, I can relate to feeling like he is being hard on them. I am not a pushover either but as a mother it is natural for me sometimes to want to be more nurturing than a disciplinarian. I also wasn’t raised in a strict household and he is used to a little more structure so we don’t always agree but in many ways we balance each other out if I am being too lenient or he is being too strict.
Ronnie says
Kisha..your 3 points sound like I could have written them!!!
And Aja my son did/does the same thing as your daughter….. last week, my father told him to do something and my dad told me that my son said “My Dad never tells me too…”
I am glad we are doing this topic this week..it’s nice to know that we are not alone and that other people have experienced the same challenges and to understand how they deal with those challenges. I have read some comments this week that say that blended families do not work ….but even with our challenges, I feel so very lucky to have married my husband and to have him in my life and the kid’s lives. And I am so thankful that he understands that there will be challenges and that he loves us enough face them with love and patience.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Blended Families Week: I May Not Be Your Mama, But… =-.
Harriet says
These are great points, Aja, and I love the perspective Kisha provided as well!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Father Can You Hear Me? =-.
RW says
I am so glad for the this week’s theme of Blended Families. I am in a BF with one stepdaughter and no children of my own. While I understand that it is not my place to discipline her, I often feel that both my husband and her bio mom are way too lenient with her. As an only child, it is understandable that she would be a bit spoiled. But her brattiness has gotten to the point that I dread her visits to our home, let alone try to pursue a bond with her.
It seems everyone on the site has embraced their stepchildren as their own, but I am finding it hard to do that-especially since I have none of my own. Any advice for me?
Aja says
@RW, Have you you and your husband had a conversation as to your role in terms of discipline and have you talked to him about your feelings about her behavior and visits? While I don’t think that as her step mother you can necessarily come in and start changing all the rules, I also don’t think you have to be completely hands off when it comes to discipline. I don’t know whether you and your husband plan to have children together, but chances are that if you do his tolerance of bratty behavior won’t change then , so now is the time to begin addressing it.
My daughter is not bratty, but she was an only child for a very long time and is spoiled in some ways because of it. Instead of disciplining her directly, my husband intially would point out things after an incident where I had been too lenient. I will admit that I didn’t take well to this at first and felt like he didn’t have any kids so how could he know, but over time I started to see some of his point of view, so maybe you could try that approach. I would also let him know how you feel and also make it clear to him that while you haven’t raised her and aren’t her biological mother that you don’t intend to continue to accept bratty behavior directed toward you. I wouldn’t start stepping in when they are interacting with one another, but I also wouldn’t be afraid to correct her if she is doing something disrespectful toward you. I know this must be a difficult situation to be in and I don’t have all the answers but hopefully you all will be able to come to some understanding.
Sheena Reid says
@everyone, I also have a blended family. My son is 7 and has a few bahvior problems. We use may different types of methods as far as discipline. From Talks and timeouts to spankings. What are some of your aspects when I’s comes to spankings. My family gives me such a hard time becase I have allowed my husband to spank his stepson. I try my best to leave my family out of my business. As you may know it’s not always that easy.
@ Keisha, I am a COMPLETE push over . It is hard for me to follow through when I punish. This is why I have allowed my husband, who is better with his methods.
MrsT says
@ RW I am also a step-mom with no bio-children and we (my husband and I) deal with a bio-mom who seems more interested in being her daughter’s friend than her parent. So I know how you feel. My advice is when you see certain behaviors be sure to point them out to your husband, sometimes its not that he’s trying to be too lenient as much as he just doesn’t notice what you notice or doesn’t see it as a problem until its been pointed out as one. As far as the brattiness goes, always be yourself and stand your ground which will let your step-daugther know just because she gets away with murder with her parents doesn’t mean she’ll get away with it with you. You don’t even have to have a disaplinary role in that sense, she’ll get the picture that you’re not taking the crap. And if she whine’s “she’s mean” oh well, she’ll get over it, you’re not there to be her friend, your there to support your husband in raising her as best you can.
Ronnie says
RW – I like to read the site psychology today because they have many psychologists that tackle the blended family subject. In fact, Dr. Joshua Coleman wrote an article titled “I can’t stand my stepkids.” In it, he says that many step mothers feel guilt because they don’t like their stepkids because are raised to be nurturing. Dr. Coleman also provides a few tips on how to handle this…check it out:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/new-rules-stepfamilies/201003/i-cant-stand-my-stepkids
I like the advice that Aja and Sheena Mrs.T provided…if she is being bratty or disrespectful towards you, then you need to establish limits with her and address it directly with her (the same way you would with anyone else.)
And as Dr. Coleman points out in the article..talk to your husband and let him know what behaviors bother you. Your husband is not going to be able to change all of the behaviors at once…but things will get better over time.
@Sheena Reid – I think you have to do what is best for your family. There are experts out there that say you should not spank kids and there are experts out there that saying spanking in ok… There are experts out there that say that you should not let the step-parent discipline your kids. And I heard a pastor this week say the opposite. But I will say that this pastor had one very good point. That the step-parent has to show the step child some benevolence. The step-parent has to show some love or kindness towards the child… the step parent can’t just step in to discipline the child ….but then never show any kindness…
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..Blended Families Week: I May Not Be Your Mama, But… =-.
Mariposa says
My son was 9 when I married my husband. It helped that my son’s father lived 1200 miles away. We had more trouble with his father telling my son that my husband wasn’t his father and he didn’t have to listen to him. Those were the times he went to visit his father. And my husband paid for the airline ticket. Go figure. Lord, there were problems. But now at the age of 24 my son figured out what his dad was trying to do. He now calls my husband Papa and his father by his first name. Hang in there and it will all work out.