by Tracy Clinton,
The Mississippi River is powerful enough to facilitate massive flooding, create profitable industry, become a war-zone, and provide a well-traveled vacation thoroughfare. Yet, it’s said that a tiny stream near Cobb Hill in Potter County, Pennsylvania was the fledgling beginnings of what we now respectfully call the Mighty Mississippi. Lesson? Great things come from insignificant small beginnings.
Though seemingly harmless those quick, random thoughts of your ex that remain unchecked can contribute to the ultimate demise of your marriage. Thoughts lead to conversations, conversations lead to actions, actions lead to consequences and consequences can be fatal.
It’s obvious that break ups can leave people with unanswered questions. So what happens to all those “what ifs” and “doubts” when someone attempts to start new relationships and marry with unresolved break-up issues? Do the thoughts just cut off or are they merely suppressed? Either way, apparently what we’ve been doing is not enough…
A 2011 YourTango survey revealed that 66% of married people admit to thinking about their ex far more frequently than they should. SIXTY-SIX PERCENT!! We don’t always deal with the intangible content of our thoughts & hearts until it has become tangible activity in our lives. Your current relationship can’t afford the manifestation of these intangibles. Its time for a heart-check. Your marriage/current relationship may be at-risk if:
- You are in an argument with your spouse and your mind often drifts back to the heydays with your ex
- In a disagreement with your spouse you frequently and fondly reminisce on how much you and your ex shared the same philosophy on that issue
- You often wonder what life would have been like had you married him/her
- You find yourself viewing your ex on social media often (more than once or twice per year)
- You’ve composed a text message, email, instant message, etc to your ex that you did or didn’t send
- You’ve called him/her and hung up
- You’ve called him/her and talked or left a voice message
- You’ve intentionally frequented some place that he/she goes (i.e. joined his/her gym, chose to have lunch often at his/her favorite restaurant)
- You still experience any kind of emotion (good or bad) at the mention of his/her name.
There are countless other risk factors and variations of those listed. All are telltale signs that you are toying with some unresolved break-up issues that have the potential to grow into something unhealthy. Affairs don’t happen instantly, much like the Mississippi River, they start as a little stream in a small county in your heart and can eventually yield something big that you didn’t anticipate and ultimately regret.
And no, having children with this person does not excuse the secret and inappropriate inner-workings of your heart and mind. Co-parents, you’re not exempt from the list above.
Ok. You’ve identified that there is some break-up residue in your heart…NOW what?
Unfortunately, there’s very little training on how to take care of yourself in a healthy, healing, holistic way after a break-up. People tend to wait out and/or cry out the most difficult pain, build a wall around their heart so that they can’t be hurt in that way again, feed themselves a lot of assumptions & conclusions and move on to the next; THAT, my friend, is merely BAGGAGE. After a Break-Up, there’s usually very little healthy processing, forgiveness & actual handling of the issues. In short, we don’t always give our broken heart permission, a process and time to adequately heal. Time, in itself, doesn’t truly heal all wounds, its how you use the time that makes the difference in merely “moving on” versus true healing.
Stay tuned to BMWK for part two of “Breaking Up for Good” for tips on how to begin unpacking your residual break up baggage. And let us know your thoughts about the warning signs above…do you think any of those actions are ever appropriate?
Tracy Clinton, M.A. MFT is a Speaker, Blogger, Counselor, Web-Series Host and Group Facilitator. She is the founder of Amore Rising: A Healthy Relationship Initiative. It’s mission is equipping people with tools to build healthier relationships. Her signature presentations and workshops include “FearNot!” A testament of her journey of overcoming fear that will inspire you to break away from your anxieties and embrace your future with confidence and “Breaking Up For Good,” a break-up recovery workshop for singles. You can contact Tracy via Facebook: www.facebook.com/AmoreRising, Twitter: www.twitter.com/AmoreRising, and Youtube: www.YouTube.com/AmoreRising