By Edward C. Lee
Last week I wrote a post on the connection between forgiveness and intimacy. From that post, I received several comments related to what has to be the next step after we forgive, and that is – the difficulty of forgetting. I really appreciate those comments about how hard it is to forget, because I think we all face tough situations where the memory just won’t leave us. Until a point is reached where the memories of past hurt are completely dealt with, intimacy will continue to be strained.
As was said last week, when we forgive we go through a process of restoring the relationship to where it was before things got off track. It is a process that seeks to negate the actions of another against us, as if it never happened. Forgetting then is the process of getting to a point where the memories of what happened don’t control your future actions. The ability to forget is when we can smile and mean it and love without restrictions brought on by memories.
I would be cautious of any advice that either claims that a person is always able to forget or that it is always an easy thing to do. In some instances we can forgive what was done to us, but it does not guarantee we will forget it. If only we had Will Smith’s “neuralizer” from the Men In Black movies, to zap our memories clean of all past hurts. There have been at least a few times when I was able to forgive but a long lasting imprint of the past remained on my mind. Is there anyone else that occasionally wrestles with being able to forget, with questions like: Am I able to forget? How can I forget? Is it even safe or healthy to forget?
So let’s push aside the notion that forgetting is easy, but I still believe that getting to the point of forgetting is possible. It is a really important topic because as was suggested last week, the inability to both forgive and forget determines the degree to which our relationship experiences intimacy – across the board. Just as there comes a point where what has happened to us has to be forgiven, there also comes a time when we have to release the memory from our mind and forget it. But how, and probably more significantly, why is it so hard to forget when someone has hurt us or betrayed our trust?
Here are a few reasons that forgetting is so difficult:
- The severity of the incident. I know conventional wisdom would have us think that we forgive and forget all situations the same. It is easy, or should I say easier, to forget when someone does something like show up late for dinner. But when we are talking about an extra-marital affair or financial infidelity, then forgetting becomes excruciatingly difficult. It seems like the bigger the issue, the harder it is to forget.
- The sincerity. When someone hurts us and either does not apologize or does not seem to care, it is hard to forget. It is like it just never goes away.
- Past history. Sometimes what makes it hard to forget is that we have been there before. What our husband or wife did, was something they have been done before, or something we saw someone do in either our childhood or a past relationship. Often even years after forgiveness has been granted, even the hint of the familiarity of a past hurt resurrects what you may both have thought was a dead situation.
Each of these can factor into our unwillingness to “let it go.” However, even when forgetting becomes a challenge, it is still possible. The road to forgetting is a personal journey that ends with the restoration of true intimacy between a man and a woman. It is not denial or sweeping feelings under the rug. But it is coming to a point of peace and surrendering the hurt to a vision of what is real and still remaining. So here is what makes makes forgetting and restoring intimacy possible – even in the wake of the worse situations.
What makes forgetting easier:
- Getting all of the details. An honest shot at getting past the hurt has to be met with honesty about what has happened. I know sometimes I have not wanted to hear all of the details, but I have found that full disclosure is really the only way to get it behind me. As long as questions linger, the memories consume and cloud your thoughts. Get to a place where no stone has been left unturned. Ask questions, get answers. Speak your mind – in love.
- Personal peace. A person can not be forced to forget. Saying I am sorry is a request not a demand. Granting forgiveness and then subsequently being able to forget has to come at the determination of each person. I can not make my wife forget what I did, just because I have apologized. My wife is more of the slow burn type, I am the flash of fire. So once the issue as been adequately discussed, then allow each other time to reach the place of being able to “forget” it.
- Time. I hear people say that time heals all wounds. Maybe. But time has to be more than just the passing tick of the clock. It has to be time well spent, constructively working toward true reconciliation. Just because their was a break of trust five years ago does not mean that trust has been rebuilt, if necessary work was not put in to rebuild trust. The point is to work toward restoration as soon as you can but neither faster or slower than your heart allows.
- Mapping out a new plan. A crucial step to forgetting is the sense of peace that comes from sitting down and re-mapping the direction of the relationship. How will the relationship move forward from where you are, and what safeguards or changes are needed to ensure you don’t go back. Come to an understanding, together, that “We will have to face big hurdles in our future, but we will work hard to make sure we don’t have to face this same hurdle again.”
- Faith. Yes I have to go there. There has to be something higher than your own thinking. A friend used to say to me, “If you could have fixed it, you would have done it along time ago.” In much the same way, if you fall in a ditch you need something from outside of the ditch to get you out. Without outward and upward help a person either stays in the ditch or their efforts make the ditch deeper. So reach up and out to your faith in God to erase the sting of past hurt at the hand of your spouse. Wherever you are, seek the wise counsel of God. It is both the raw ingredients like eggs, sugar and butter and the icing on the cake at the same time.
Get to the bottom of what has happened, move toward a place of personal peace in your own time, map out a new plan together, and hold on to your faith in God. Not a magic formula, but these five steps make it possible to forgive and then also forget.
How about you BMWK, in both the big and small things of marriage, how do you arrive at a place of being able to truly let go of the past?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, host of the blog: elevateyourmarriage.com and Author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. Follow Edward on his blog or on facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.