By Edward C. Lee
Last week I wrote a post on the connection between forgiveness and intimacy. From that post, I received several comments related to what has to be the next step after we forgive, and that is – the difficulty of forgetting. I really appreciate those comments about how hard it is to forget, because I think we all face tough situations where the memory just won’t leave us. Until a point is reached where the memories of past hurt are completely dealt with, intimacy will continue to be strained.
As was said last week, when we forgive we go through a process of restoring the relationship to where it was before things got off track. It is a process that seeks to negate the actions of another against us, as if it never happened. Forgetting then is the process of getting to a point where the memories of what happened don’t control your future actions. The ability to forget is when we can smile and mean it and love without restrictions brought on by memories.
I would be cautious of any advice that either claims that a person is always able to forget or that it is always an easy thing to do. In some instances we can forgive what was done to us, but it does not guarantee we will forget it. If only we had Will Smith’s “neuralizer” from the Men In Black movies, to zap our memories clean of all past hurts. There have been at least a few times when I was able to forgive but a long lasting imprint of the past remained on my mind. Is there anyone else that occasionally wrestles with being able to forget, with questions like: Am I able to forget? How can I forget? Is it even safe or healthy to forget?
So let’s push aside the notion that forgetting is easy, but I still believe that getting to the point of forgetting is possible. It is a really important topic because as was suggested last week, the inability to both forgive and forget determines the degree to which our relationship experiences intimacy – across the board. Just as there comes a point where what has happened to us has to be forgiven, there also comes a time when we have to release the memory from our mind and forget it. But how, and probably more significantly, why is it so hard to forget when someone has hurt us or betrayed our trust?
Here are a few reasons that forgetting is so difficult:
- The severity of the incident. I know conventional wisdom would have us think that we forgive and forget all situations the same. It is easy, or should I say easier, to forget when someone does something like show up late for dinner. But when we are talking about an extra-marital affair or financial infidelity, then forgetting becomes excruciatingly difficult. It seems like the bigger the issue, the harder it is to forget.
- The sincerity. When someone hurts us and either does not apologize or does not seem to care, it is hard to forget. It is like it just never goes away.
- Past history. Sometimes what makes it hard to forget is that we have been there before. What our husband or wife did, was something they have been done before, or something we saw someone do in either our childhood or a past relationship. Often even years after forgiveness has been granted, even the hint of the familiarity of a past hurt resurrects what you may both have thought was a dead situation.
Each of these can factor into our unwillingness to “let it go.” However, even when forgetting becomes a challenge, it is still possible. The road to forgetting is a personal journey that ends with the restoration of true intimacy between a man and a woman. It is not denial or sweeping feelings under the rug. But it is coming to a point of peace and surrendering the hurt to a vision of what is real and still remaining. So here is what makes makes forgetting and restoring intimacy possible – even in the wake of the worse situations.
What makes forgetting easier:
- Getting all of the details. An honest shot at getting past the hurt has to be met with honesty about what has happened. I know sometimes I have not wanted to hear all of the details, but I have found that full disclosure is really the only way to get it behind me. As long as questions linger, the memories consume and cloud your thoughts. Get to a place where no stone has been left unturned. Ask questions, get answers. Speak your mind – in love.
- Personal peace. A person can not be forced to forget. Saying I am sorry is a request not a demand. Granting forgiveness and then subsequently being able to forget has to come at the determination of each person. I can not make my wife forget what I did, just because I have apologized. My wife is more of the slow burn type, I am the flash of fire. So once the issue as been adequately discussed, then allow each other time to reach the place of being able to “forget” it.
- Time. I hear people say that time heals all wounds. Maybe. But time has to be more than just the passing tick of the clock. It has to be time well spent, constructively working toward true reconciliation. Just because their was a break of trust five years ago does not mean that trust has been rebuilt, if necessary work was not put in to rebuild trust. The point is to work toward restoration as soon as you can but neither faster or slower than your heart allows.
- Mapping out a new plan. A crucial step to forgetting is the sense of peace that comes from sitting down and re-mapping the direction of the relationship. How will the relationship move forward from where you are, and what safeguards or changes are needed to ensure you don’t go back. Come to an understanding, together, that “We will have to face big hurdles in our future, but we will work hard to make sure we don’t have to face this same hurdle again.”
- Faith. Yes I have to go there. There has to be something higher than your own thinking. A friend used to say to me, “If you could have fixed it, you would have done it along time ago.” In much the same way, if you fall in a ditch you need something from outside of the ditch to get you out. Without outward and upward help a person either stays in the ditch or their efforts make the ditch deeper. So reach up and out to your faith in God to erase the sting of past hurt at the hand of your spouse. Wherever you are, seek the wise counsel of God. It is both the raw ingredients like eggs, sugar and butter and the icing on the cake at the same time.
Get to the bottom of what has happened, move toward a place of personal peace in your own time, map out a new plan together, and hold on to your faith in God. Not a magic formula, but these five steps make it possible to forgive and then also forget.
How about you BMWK, in both the big and small things of marriage, how do you arrive at a place of being able to truly let go of the past?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, host of the blog: elevateyourmarriage.com and Author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. Follow Edward on his blog or on facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
Aja says
Great post Edward. I agree that “forgive and forget” aren’t things that happen simultaneously. As hard as it can be to forgive, I think forgetting is much harder. I especially like this “saying I am sorry is a request not a demand.” An accepted apology doesn’t make the pain disappear. In addition to the forgiver being willing to move on, the person being forgiven also needs to understand that they may need to deal with their spouse’s pain for a while.
Wwwdotgirl says
We might not need next week’s counseling session! This is great!
Jrs2300 says
To Forget is a funny road… that has different Values … for example .. What do we remember more , How many times we have helped someone or how many times we haven’t helped someone ? Do we remember how many times we have done good compared to how many times we have done bad ? Probably more times that we have done bad .. And Why ? I believe the Lord wants us to not forget most times.. and especially for the things we can Fix, Improve, Repent and Changes lives for… — So even in the hard times in marriage it’s ok Not to Forget as long as we can Forgive… Because we can live with what we can’t Forget… but harder to live with what we can’t forgive.
Toeknee78 says
It’s been almost 5 years since “the indescretion”, but the worst thing for me trying to forget is that the place in which it happened, is less than two minutes away from my husbands office now. And the real kicker, his office window faces her front door to her house directly across the street from his office. Purely by coincidence, but still, my issues linger.
Anonymous says
Wow that is a tough one. Sounds like a lot of prayer and constant communication are in order
Toeknee78 says
It’s been almost 5 years since “the indescretion”, but the worst thing for me trying to forget is that the place in which it happened, is less than two minutes away from my husbands office now. And the real kicker, his office window faces her front door to her house directly across the street from his office. Purely by coincidence, but still, my issues linger.
Reggie Williams says
Ed, this subject is always problematic for me in terms as how it is viewed. 1st I am of the perspective that forgiving has absolutely nothing to do with forgetting.
I suffered a horrific knee injury in 94, the wound of the injury is healed meaning I no longer feel the pain (the incident) of that injury. However the memory of that injury is as fresh as it was the day it happen. That memory is the 8 inch scar that decorates my right knee.
2nd the challenge in forgiving isn’t the forgetting, but how does one heal from the indiscretion. It is the healing that takes times. The memory will always be there and it should be. The offender should always remember to remain front and center with the pain cause and remembering that they shouldn’t want to cause the pain again. And the offendee should remember, not to throw it up in the offenders face, but to remain familar with those signs that led up to the indiscretion and readily prepare and protect oneself from it happening again.
Last being tied to negative memories of your past do nothing but incarcerate you. You’re a prisoner from your failure to heal and often times the offender has moved on.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Anonymous says
Reggie, Great comment – and I agree with you, old incidents to keep us incarcerated. I guess the real question is, is there total forgiveness without total forgetting? In the example of your knee injury (I have the same thing with my shoulder), doesn’t the scar and memory make you hesitant to test that knee to the degree to which you did prior to the injury. I tore my shoulder in 3 places in ’07 in the gym. I have regained 100% of my strength back but the memory keeps me cautious of going “hard”. I agree with you that to a point it is healthy to remember but I wonder how my workouts would be if I totally let it go.
Reggie Williams says
Haven’t played ball in 3 years, but when I was playing always went hard. That first few months when I returned plahying I was cautious, but since then I always gone hard — stretch it, dress it in some tiger balm, throw on my knee wrap and then begin draining jumpers like always. Some days I have to ice it down afterward, but that rare.
Actually my knee injury has been such a valuable teaching lesson for me in life and I use it as a teaching point when teaching. What was once a extremely painful experience is now a tremendous testimony.
Anonymous says
we also have to be willing to forget, because if we don’t, we can’t truly move on. We will always be stuck in the past and what good will that be?
Monique says
i have one question… what is the issues that you have with forgiveness is someone from your past and not your present relationship, but it’s very obvious it’s where the issues are coming from. Do you reconcile with that person in order to help the current relationship??? That’s a big girl pill i’m afraid of , but after reading “making forgetting easier” i’ve realized i’ve done none of that!!!! Sooo i’ve only completed half of the process.
Hana says
Hi Jackie, A couple of weeks ago I read your reveiw of 50 Shades in the Bruhnswick Beacon, at the time I was already part way through the second book, I jumped right into your report and was quite amused of your description that scenes were being doled out like sinful truffles . Just a bit different from the Beacons usual fare of Calabash/Carolina political wars and like BS. Having a voracious appetite for just about anything in print (History, Mystery, and literotica included) I did enjoy 50 Shades very much but found Christian just a wee bit uber powerful and wealthy even in fiction. But now comes the reason for this note .. I jumped right into Flash Drive , that eroticmanuscript is the one that belongs on the best seller list. It was one that I could not put down, so graphic and also so accurate with your description of local geography and attractions. Plus acouple of scenerios that I could personally relate to. I don’t think I will ever be able to walk acrossa shopping center parking lot without checking for a zip-lok bag or a flash drive unit on the ground.Being a couple months shy of being an octogenarian and disabled and widowed I usually read myself to sleep each night, but, last night I was so engrossed in flash drive that I finally finished itafter dawn yesterday morning, I hope to meet you at a signing in the next couple of weeks andpurchase a couple of signed copies for gifts. Thanks for a great and entertaining read. Dave Talman, Shallotte