Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am a 35 years old single female and I am tired of having stressful relationships. Over the past five years, I have been in three relationships. I enter relationships being hopeful and give my all, but my partners end up leaving me because they say that I have too much emotional baggage. I know that I can be difficult at times. When I get upset, I have a tendency to bring up issues that I experienced in my past relationship.
I have a problem with trusting men because my son’s father abused me and left me when I was pregnant. I never dealt with or talked to anyone about the abuse and definitely did not think that it would impact my future relationships the way that it has. I realize that I have some emotional challenges, but finding and experiencing true love should not be this hard. I am tired and need answers. What should I do? Can I find and experience true love without dealing with my emotional baggage?
Hurting and tired
Dear Hurting and Tired,
As a life coach and psychotherapist who has provided coaching and therapy to thousands of women and men who desire to experience true love, I have learned that a large percentage of individuals struggle with experiencing true love because they fail to deal with their emotional baggage. I have also learned that self-insight is a springboard to a healthy love life. With this in mind, I strongly recommend that you deal your emotional baggage so that you can become a healthy, thriving and emotionally stable individual. You will not experience or know true love until you learn to be true to yourself.
Here are three reasons why dealing your emotional baggage is important if you desire to experience true love:
1. Emotional Baggage Prevents Your Heart From Thriving. To live with a damaged heart is as bad as living without a soul. The mind is the control center for your body, but the heart is the control center for your soul. Your heart is your conscience. Emotional baggage, which is typically rooted in the heart, weighs heavily on your heart. Therefore, your ability to find true love will continue to be hindered as long as your heart is not thriving. The heart thrives when you cope with and let go of past pain or trauma. If you carry around past hurt, wrongs and disappointments, your heart will be filled with bitterness and will not function in a loving manner. The key to finding true love is to nurture your heart. Do not allow emotional baggage to rob you of a thriving and healthy love life.
2. Emotional Baggage Is Contagious. Unhappy and distressed individuals have a tendency to transmit their emotional baggage to others or attract individuals with baggage that bears resemblance to their own. I often remind individuals that negativity begets negativity. If you are troubled you will find trouble in your relationship and impede your ability to experience true love. If you do not claim your emotional baggage, your partner will be forced to cope with it because you will expect him or her to fix it. If you desire to find and experience true love, you must claim your emotional baggage so that your significant other does not have to overcompensate for your past. Be mindful of what you spread. It is easy to find and experience true love when you spread true love.
3. Emotional Baggage Keeps You Connected to the Past. In order to find true love, you have to be willing to discover and explore new things about yourself. While your past reflects where you came from, your future reflects where you are going. Once you have dealt your emotional baggage you will no longer live in bondage. Changing your past is impossible, but developing new relationships that are filled with true love and prosperity is achievable. Don’t be afraid to look back; just do not get stuck there. New and positive relationships await you – your freedom from emotional bondage is found in your future, not in your past.
As you continue on your quest to experience true love, please do not forget to deal with your past emotional baggage. Unresolved emotional baggage will jam up your life and reduce your chance of experiencing true love. If you desire to have a happy and prosperous relationship, I highly recommend that you check your baggage occasionally. No matter how “pleasant” your life or relationship might appear; you can definitely benefit from exploring how past relationship experiences have shaped how you view relationships overall. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need help with a baggage check – traveling through life with the right baggage is important to finding and experiencing true love. Get your mind right and your love life will follow.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.