We all know that marriage and relationships in general have their ups and downs. And it’s inevitable that both of you will go through some changes along the way. But what if those changes are so drastic that you feel like you caught a case of whiplash? What if one day you’re talking to your spouse and you’re seriously trying to figure out who you’re talking to, because they no longer resemble the person you walked down the aisle with? I had no idea how to answer these questions when I was faced with them.
In preparation for our marriage, my husband and I went to pre-marital counseling. It was part of my church’s requirement, but looking back I understand now why it was. Through our counseling, we learned the importance of keeping God in the center of our relationship and the power of praying together as a couple. I distinctly remember the first time we prayed together and how awkward it felt. But it quickly became like second nature to the point it felt awkward when we didn’t get to pray together. So naturally, after we got married, our spiritual connection only grew stronger. I always felt incomplete on the days that we didn’t get to pray together. It also became the norm for our kids to pray along with us and before bed and before meals.
I started noticing that my husband would spend more time reading and studying the bible. And I was so happy to see that he was strengthening his walk in Christ because it made me want to study more as well. It started with just the reading and then he slowly started to question things that he would read but not agree with in the bible. Then one day I came home from work to find him trashing all of the kids’ Christmas books, and DVDs, children’s bibles, my favorite wall portrait I had received as a birthday gift (a picture of God’s hands, handing over a baby to his mother with the words “AGift from God”), and pretty much anything else he saw lying around the house that had a picture of, or spoke about God. When I questioned his actions, I was told that we were going against the bible’s teachings. Needless to say, the rest of that conversation didn’t go very well.
It started to affect our relationship because there were certain things we no longer saw eye-to-eye on (i.e. praying together, going to church together, celebrating holidays with the kids – especially Christmas and Easter). It got to the point that I stopped bringing up the subject of God and religion because when I did, it resulted in more frustration, arguments, anger and confusion on my part. There were certain things that I wasn’t going to compromise on (such as playing tooth fairy and teaching the kids about God and how to pray). But I also had to take a step back and realize that my husband’s walk with God was between he and God – that as much as I wanted to go back to how things used to be, I had to accept the fact that I was not in control of this situation. As he went from one extreme to another (from studying the bible, to turning away from it completely), I had to embrace this new change in my husband that I wasn’t entirely sure that I liked.
Once I started to “let go and let God”, things started to change. As he continues on his journey to grow in a better understanding of God, so too, does the journey of our relationship grow through these changes. It has been nearly three years. And while I wasn’t sure where this drastic change would direct our marriage in the beginning, I’m confident that we’ve laid the foundation to withstand the hurdles that we continue to face. As he continues on his journey to grow in a better understanding of God, so too does the journey of our relationship grow through these changes.
1 Corinthians 13:4-10 says: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
So yes, love can endure even the changes that we don’t quite understand or necessarily agree with. Love is also finding a way to accept someone else’s views on things without allowing it to destroy our relationship. And love has the ability to withstand change, as long as we open our hearts to the possibility. So while the journey continues, I can only pray that love will continue to open my heart to understanding and accepting the changes as they come.
BMWK: Have you been faced with embracing changes in your spouse that you didn’t necessarily agree with?