Dr. Buckingham,
I have been married for seven years. We share 3 small children together. The marriage has been rocky from the beginning. My husband has had infidelity issues since the beginning of the marriage. Throughout the years, we have been trying to build trust, but every so often I discover something that I’m not pleased with. Facebook messages, text messages, and his phone on silent when he’s home. Not only is infidelity an issue, this man has a gambling problem.
We live in Houston and every weekend he travels to Louisiana to gamble. I feel like this is time away from the family, and he should spend that time at home. I’m trying to work with him and be a little more understanding, but I have reached my breaking point. He leaves for 3 or 4 days with little communication, and without even letting me know when he can’t make it home that night. He feels that he is already on the road and doesn’t need to contact me to let me know when he can’t make it home. Now I’m feeling like he is back to his old tricks. I don’t trust this man, and his disregard for my feelings has me feeling like its time to leave. Can Marriage Work Without Trust?
Please share your advice.
Thanks, Mrs. Tired
Dear Mrs. Tired,
Trust is best defined as the belief that someone is reliable, good, honest and/or effective.
Trust is very important in any relationship and is an essential behavioral quality that is needed to make a marriage work. So, to answer your question, “Can Marriage Work Without Trust?” My answer is No.
Unfortunately, you entered and built a relationship based on mistrust and deception. You stated, “The marriage has been rocky from the beginning. My husband has had infidelity issues since the beginning of the marriage.” I highlight your statements, not to judge you, but to emphasize my point. A relationship built on mistrust and deceit will be sustained based on mistrust and deceit. Trust is earned through action and unfortunately your husband’s actions have not been trustworthy.
Healthy marriages prosper when two individuals make a commitment to protect the feelings and interest of each other.
Marriage is about being honest and thoughtful. A person who is willing to allow his or her partner to suffer is not trustworthy. Healthy marriages prosper when two individuals make a commitment to protect the feelings and interest of each other. Consideration and honesty should be non-negotiable in your relationship. Consideration demonstrates caring and honesty demonstrates transparency.
As you strive to cope with your marital discord, please remember that trust is essential to having a healthy and happy marriage. Also, please remember that actions speak louder than words. If you desire to make your life and/or marriage as prosperous as possible, you must learn to hold your husband accountable. Honesty is the best policy. Before you can demand honesty, you must be honest with yourself. I firmly believe that people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Being patient with your husband is noteworthy; however allowing him to be deceitful is not. Be mindful that pain and happiness are opposites. If what you want or desire causes you pain or makes you feel bad, then it cannot truly make you happy. Listen to your heart; if it hurts and you feel troubled that means that you are moving in the wrong direction.
Spend sometime to figure out what you need and hold your ground. A confused and indecisive person will always be at high-risk for being abused. Learn to hold your ground and do not waiver in your position. If you do not stand firm, manipulative and selfish people will pick you apart. Do not trust in anyone who does not take your feelings and/or thoughts into consideration. The only way that trust can be restored in a marriage is if both individuals commit to a lifestyle of thoughtfulness, honesty and consideration. This behavior is easy for individuals who are selfless by nature. Selfish and self-centered individuals have to invest time in learning this behavior.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.