I’ve always been a little skeptical about people who marry potential.
I think it’s great to see what someone is capable of, or what that person might become down the line, but just because you see the potential doesn’t mean they ever will.
I believe the only way marrying someone for their potential works out well is if that person sees their potential, too. And it’s not enough for them to just see it. They have to prove that they are making moves to reach it.
Expectations
When we get married, we all have expectations about what’s to come. And why wouldn’t we, right? Once you make a promise to stay by someone’s side for the rest of your life, it makes perfect sense that you have an expectation for what that life will look like.
Who wants to marry someone that they think is a BOSS, only to find that they are straight up lazy? Or what if you planned for home cooked meals and back rubs, but never got any of it. Talk about disappointing.
But are your expectations truly based on who your spouse is, or did you base those expectations on who you wanted your spouse to be?
People typically show us clear signs of who they are.
There is a good chance your spouse gave you pretty clear indicators about what marrying them would be like. Is it possible that despite everything you saw and knew, you just hoped for something different? Is it possible that you expected love to bring out the best in your spouse?
What’s at the Core of Your Disappointment?
If you feel disappointed in who your spouse has become, you have to ask yourself why?
- Do you feel like they aren’t supportive?
- Is too much responsibility falling on you?
- Did they let you down in some way?
- Do you think they aren’t doing enough to reach their potential?
- Do you think they are lazy?
- Are they coming up short?
- Did you change at all?
These questions are critical because if your spouse has been consistent with his behaviors and actions, maybe the issue is really you. That doesn’t mean you have to embrace who your spouse currently is, but you do have to put things into perspective.
Just because you decided to shoot for the stars with your dream doesn’t mean you have the right to tear your man down because he doesn’t have the same ambition to succeed.
Or, if you married someone who was lazy and selfish from the start, how mad can you really get when they continue to be that person?
What should you do?
Open and clear communication is the only way to manage the complexities of a situation like this. First, you need to openly communicate with yourself.
Find out what’s really at the root of how you feel about your spouse, as well as what you want and need from a partner. Once you are clear on these things, you are ready to talk to your mate.
Be mindful that you won’t get anywhere if you walk into the conversation ready to point fingers. Instead, just share how you have been feeling lately.
Make reference to what your introspection has brought to light. Discuss what your vision is for your marriage. Share what you’d like to see from your spouse.
What’s Next
The most important thing to keep in mind is that whatever you are feeling could be all about you, but sometimes it just isn’t. If your spouse has genuinely become someone other than the person you married, they could be struggling with something that they are unaware of.
A lack of motivation and action is often not about whether or not the person desires to achieve success. It can often have a lot to do with where that person is mentally and emotionally. Your spouse may need help but is having a hard time asking for it.
One of the cornerstones of a successful marriage is mutual growth.
If one person continues to grow while the other one doesn’t, disappointment is inevitable. What that means for marriages varies based on the couple. Improved communication and counseling can help couples work through these issues.
What doesn’t help is choosing to ignore the situation. It is also very harmful when you go around telling people how disappointed you are in the person you chose to spend your life with. That isn’t fair. Give your spouse a chance to share their perspective, and give your marriage a shot at healing.
None of us can predict what life will bring us, but we always have control over how we manage what life throws our way. We all have to give our marriages a fighting chance by getting candid enough to talk about how we feel, why we feel that way, and what needs to happen next.
The true disappointment would come when you walk away from a commitment without at least doing that much.
BMWK, what do you do when you feel like you are disappointed in who your spouse has become?