“I think he’s cool…I’m just not attracted to him.” I hear this phrase a lot from my date coaching clients who come to me for help when getting back out there after not dating for 2 or more years. I encourage them to date outside their type in order to break their cycle of choosing men who look good on the outside, but are toxic on the inside.
As a result, they take a chance and go out with someone who doesn’t necessarily make them sing SVW’s “Weak In The Knees” after the first date. I’m proud of them for getting outside their comfort zone and meeting different types of men, and I always encourage them that first impressions are overrated and second glances can lead to second chances.
The Golden Rule is key here: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!”
Why give someone you don’t feel sparks for on date number one a second chance? Because attraction is about more than looks. You can be attracted to someone simply because of their personality or charisma. But at the end of the day, if the idea of waking up next to the person you met repulses you, then you must be honest with yourself–and with him. Here are 3 ways to let a man know you don’t want to see him again without ghosting him, or hurting his feelings.
Be Direct and Kind
Don’t beat around the bush because indirect communication can lead to guessing games. For example, there’s a difference between telling him you’re too busy for a date this week and telling him “I had a great time, but I just don’t feel we are a match romantically.”
This phrase acknowledges the fact that you enjoyed the date, but that there isn’t enough there to explore a relationship. You want to stress that there’s a mismatch on a romantic level, otherwise, he may press you to give him reasons why you’re not interested in him, and that could lead to hurt feelings.
Don’t Give False Hope
It’s not cool to keep going out with him once you realize his feelings for you are stronger than yours are for him. As soon as you discover he wants more than a friendship and you don’t, you have to let him know so he doesn’t waste his time.
For example, you could say something like, “I could see us being really great friends. You are so dope! I’d love to hang out with you again as friends.” Be clear about your desires for friendship so he doesn’t think you’re just playing hard to get.
Avoid Blame
I can’t imagine a scenario where it’s ok to tell a man “I’m just not physically attracted to you, I didn’t like the way you smell, your teeth are crooked and when you kissed me, I wanted to gag,” unless he aggressively presses you for reasons why you don’t want to see him again. Listing all his flaws would only make him feel defensive (and it’s just plain mean to tell someone you think they’re repulsive). The Golden Rule is key here: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!”
I know it’s awkward to tell someone the real reasons why you’re just not interested in him, but it’s better than disappearing on him, hoping he gets the hint, or leading him on when you know he doesn’t have a chance with you. Walk in integrity and tell him the truth with love.
BMWK, have you ever had to tell someone you just weren’t attracted to him/her? Tell me your story below!