Meet Natalie. She doesn’t feel comfortable with a man kissing her on a first date, but when the last guy tried it, she just didn’t say anything. She asked me, “How do I tell him without him thinking I’m being rude?”
Pamela has a different communication issue. The man she’s been seeing for a few months stopped calling her. The last time they talked, he told her that he could see her in his future, but that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. She wanted to know, “How do I bring it up to him without him feeling pressured?”
Brandi is ready to be married. She’s been with her man for nine years, and although her boyfriend calls her his “lover for life,” he has never taken the next step of proposing even though they’ve talked about marriage throughout their entire relationship. She told me,“I can tell he’s scared to be vulnerable with me, but I just don’t know what else to say to him.”
Each of these sisters are at different stages in their relationships, but they all struggle with a common problem: They don’t understand how to communicate authentically and effectively so that they feel heard and understood so that their needs are met.
They all believe that their only options are to either be sweet and kind or authentic and direct. Therefore, these women, who are normally confident communicators in their careers, churches and communities, find themselves at a lost for words when it comes to men.
Knowing what to say to your man to find out if he’s relationship ready or to ask him to respect your boundaries or to give you the ring you desire, is sometimes the only thing standing in the way between the relationship you have and the relationship you desire.
Here’s the good news: You don’t have to choose between kindness and directness when you understand that being authentic in your communication is one of the most kind things you can do.
What is authentic communication?
Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, authors of the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love, teach that “effective communication requires being genuine and honest about your feelings…but that when expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs that take your partner’s well-being into consideration as well.”
In other words, being authentic when you talk with your partner is about being open and vulnerable with your true feelings and thoughts. This means that you are assertive and unapologetic about how you feel and what you need, but it doesn’t mean you get to be mean-spirited.
You may be a woman who only tells the truth when you’re mad, angry or hurt. You believe authentic communication means “keeping it real” and “going off” on someone! But there’s an easier way to get what you want in your relationship.
When you can wrap your mind around the fact that being authentic requires you to be kind, you can stop repressing your feelings in the name of being “nice,” like Natalie, Pam and Brandi were doing.
Find the courage to communicate authentically, and share exactly how your partners’ behavior is making you feel, and then make a direct request for him to meet your needs.
BMWK, how comfortable are you with being direct and assertive when you communicate?