By Felicia A. Garrett M.A, LPC, NCC
One of the things I commonly hear when speaking with couples is how frustrated they become when their partner doesn’t meet their expectations. At first I would express empathy as that can be very frustrating to deal with.
Yet I begin to find a common theme in these encounters, the other person had no knowledge of the expectation they were being held to. Of course there will be frustration, from both parties, when there is an expectation that is not met or they are unable to meet because they are unaware.
We all enter relationships with certain expectations, the destruction happens when we don’t communicate our expectations with the other party. This silent killer can occur in any relationship be it business, service, or personal; yet, it is most common in intimate relationships.
It is very easy as a wife to assume my husband knows what I need or want from him and how I need it.
However after many years of marriage I can honestly say that is an assumption that leads to frustration, anger and bitterness for myself and for my husband.
Yes, he is my best friend, he has known me over half of my life, we have children together and all that other stuff but there are still expectations that I have that if I don’t tell him he will not figure it out.
Allowing the thought, “He should know …” to fester in my mind is a set-up for me to have an unspoken expectation. Yes, there are somethings he should know as there are things I should know but if I want to ensure that it is completed I need to express it! I have heard it expressed many times “if I have to tell them then it takes away the surprise”; that may be true, yet the bigger surprise may be nothing at all.
There is no play book for marriage or relationships that has each step lined out with how to guides and pictures to follow in case we get confused, thus our assumptions that this is how it’s done and everyone knows this is delusional.
If you don’t express your needs, expectations, and or desires they are unspoken and will likely be unmet.
Here are a few pointers to help you say what you need to say and decrease the potential of the silent killer attacking your relationship.
1. Be Realistic: Before you express your expectations make sure they are reachable. You cannot expect someone who can’t cook to prepare you gourmet home cooked meals every day. Well you can expect it but you may be disappointed.
2. Be Honest: If it is important to you then it is important. Don’t lie or only tell half of your expectation, tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
3. Be Specific: Don’t hint around at things. If you expect 5 star accommodations, don’t express “a nice hotel will do”, this is not specific to your expectation.
BMWK, do you express your expectations?
Felicia A. Garrett is a psychotherapist, professor and owner of Renewed Perspectives Counseling and Consulting. She provides counseling to individuals, couples and groups as well as workshop and retreat facilitation. Felicia is married to her high school sweetheart; they have three children and two very spoiled dogs.