Unfortunately, the truth is, divorce does seem to be the new normal. We’re considering divorce quicker than we’re looking for a solution.
What happened in our marriages that made it easier to flee than to fight? It seems as though when things become more challenging than we imagined, a large majority of couples aren’t willing to do the work.
Marriage is a life changing decision.
First of all, we have to remember marriage isn’t something we should ever enter into lightly anyway. In addition to being in love, it also requires thought, preparation, and a serious commitment. The commitment piece is usually what hurts us in the end. Some couples find they weren’t quite ready for that level of commitment. They didn’t realize the amount of sacrifice needed, and to some, the marriage (or the person) wasn’t worthy enough.
In my coaching, I love challenging couples on taking their own desires out of the equation. I find myself saying, pretty often as a matter of fact, “you aren’t in this relationship alone”, “your needs aren’t any more important than your partner’s” and “you are only responsible for your half of the relationship and what are you doing with it?” Even if it’s hard to hear, it is the truth.
It’s frustrating to see couples use divorce as an easy out or dangle it over their partner’s head as some sort of revenge. It absolutely shouldn’t be the new normal.
Remember marriage isn’t something we should ever enter into lightly anyway. In addition to being in love, it also requires thought, preparation, and a serious commitment.
The new normal should look like this:
During the dating phase, its necessary to carefully consider if this is someone you can truly spend the rest of your life with. We need to think about those bad habits a potential partner has, and decide if those never change, will you be okay? Also, consider if you, personally, can be with only one person. Will you get bored, do you need variety, do you have an active sexual appetite and will your potential partner be able to fill it?
Once you’re married, the effort continues. You can’t stop doing what you did in the beginning. You have to date. Affection and intimacy have to be present. The communication has to be loving and honest, but most importantly respectful. Both partners have to feel loved. There just isn’t a place for selfishness in a marriage. I’m telling you now it will not work. This is the exact reason couples divorce; someone was selfish. Someone only thought about what they needed and disregarded their partner. With infidelity, the cheating spouse was selfish. Irreconcilable differences, someone was selfish and wasn’t willing to make changes. In the case of outgrowing one another, someone was selfish and decided not to wait for their partner to get there. For every reason a couple divorces, it always ends with someone being selfish. If you are all that matters to you, marriage will be difficult.
Divorce has to be the last option. It isn’t a quick fix to marital challenges, putting forth an effort is. We have to be serious about marriage. We made a promise before God, and we shouldn’t take that lightly.
BMWK, what are your thoughts on divorce being so common?