Have you ever felt like, during a disagreement with your spouse, that you’ve been there and done that? Maybe it has started to feel like deja vu whenever you and your spouse are at odds.
Arguing over the same behaviors over and over again is tiring. It will put an unnecessary strain on your marriage and honestly what couple ever wants that?
There are several reasons couples continue to find themselves in the same situation. In some instances, they really aren’t ready to make any sacrifices for the other. And in other cases change is hard and doesn’t just happen overnight and the other partner isn’t always willing to wait. Changing your behavior is a process.
If you’ve found yourself in a position where continuing to argue over the same thing is getting old, I have a few suggestions. Here are 5 things to do when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired:
1. Shut up.
Seriously, stop talking and reflect on the situation and the possible reasons why it keeps happening. Think about how the issue is being addressed. Do your discussions usually involve a lot of yelling, cursing or disrespect? Are you talking over each other? Sometimes you have to literally close your mouth and open your mind.
When the talking isn’t working, stop talking and figure out why. In the book, A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex, and Conflict, I highlight four moments in a relationship when a person should shut up and listen. Here’s one, “When you’re emotional and not in the best position to make an informed decision. Whenever we work from a place of hurt it impairs our judgement. Taking time to observe the situation and simply listen has greater impact than trying to prove our point.”
2. Do something, anything, different.
If you keep disagreeing about the same thing that means something isn’t working. Why not try a different approach? Maybe changing your tone, or perhaps even changing the location. Take a walk while you talk the next time. Pay more attention to your spouse. Or be a little gentler with the words you use. Just do something a little different if you desire a different result.
READ: The Real Reasons You and Your Spouse Continue to Fight Over the Same Old Thing
3. Look for ways for you and your spouse can reconnect.
Creating new experiences with your spouse could be just what you need to move forward. Sometimes, marriages get stale because couples are in the same place doing the same things. Remember to keep your connection tight by adding a little adventure and a lot of spice. If you’re constantly creating new experiences together, that leaves very little time to fight or even be concerned with anything else. I love this quote from The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship by Don Miguel Ruiz, “All of our drama and suffering is by practice.” Why not practice being good to one another instead?
4. Point out the things you’ve both done right.
It can’t be all bad. So maybe you have to keep telling him to pick his clothes up off the floor. Or, maybe you have to keep reminding her to listen to you. Usually with every negative there are quite a few silver linings. Is he a good provider? Does she make sure her family and home are her priority? Are you good as a couple in certain areas? Those good qualities can easily outweigh the ones that have stressed us out for so long.
5. Talk to someone else.
When you feel as though you just can’t say another word to your spouse, talk to someone who can truly guide you in this area. If you’ve never considered talking to a relationship expert, you’re missing out on a relationship-altering experience. They are trained and equipped with the tools needed to get couples back on track. This is what they do, all day and every day. Believe me, there isn’t a marriage challenge they haven’t seen.
Marriage frustration is real. Making the same requests over and over again or even having to defend yourself over and over again would take its toll on any individual. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, use these tips to refocus and continue moving forward.
BMWK, what actions do you take when you’re tired of arguing about the same things with your spouse?