As a Relationship Life Coach, I’ve seen communication problems lying just beneath the surface of the relationship problems of every couple I’ve ever worked. Couples come to me hoping that I can fix their problem and save their relationship.
Some of the problems couples share with me are:
- “She cheated on me”
- “I can’t trust her anymore”
- “he is totally irresponsible with money”
- “I’m tired of living in financial fear”
Unfortunately, I have to immediately burst their bubble and tell them the one thing they don’t want to nor are prepared to hear. I have to look them square in the eyes and tell them, “I’m sorry about everything you are going through, but I can’t fix your issue.”
The responses are typically the same… some are struck silent, while others have puzzled looks. There are those who ask, “then what the hell are we doing here?” I often respond by saying:
- I can’t fix your issue, only you have the power to do that. However, I can teach you the tools needed to work through your issues and prevent them from recurring in the future.
- The issue is not the problem. It’s the scapegoat. Your inability to communicate, that is the problem.
Having disagreements and arguments are a normal part of being in a relationship. Each person brings their own thoughts, beliefs, values, and ways of doing things to the relationship. As such, differences of opinion will occur that end in conflict from time to time.
What you focus on informs your thoughts, words, and actions.
Disagreements and arguments don’t ruin relationships. A couples inability to communicate openly, honestly, and vulnerably ruins relationships. Couples will argue; there is no getting around it. In order for arguments to be a positive two way communication, it must be done respectfully and with love. Listed below are a few techniques couples can employ to fight fairly.
Attack the problem not each other
Couples often get lost in an argument because their emotions take over. Rather than trying to resolve the conflict, they focus more on emotion driven actions like winning the argument, proving they’re right, hurting their mate’s feelings, shifting blame, etc.
When couples engage in emotional warfare, they angrily react to their mate’s verbal jabs rather than calmly responding to and redirecting the conversation back to the issue. Couples must learn how to have fact based discussions rather that emotionally charged arguments.
In order to do this each person must:
- First – Acknowledge their contribution in the conflict.
- Second – Determine what they can do to correct the behavior that contributed to the problem.
- Third – Agree to focus the arguments on facts related to the problem and not the feelings associated with the problem.
- Fourth – Come up with and commit to an agreed course of action to fix the problem.
- Lastly – Actually do what they have verbally committed to doing to resolve the issue. Couples must recognize that they have to work together to resolve the problem and not attack each other about why the problem exists.
No Disrespectful Behavior
Couples often feel justified when engaging in bad behavior during an argument. Some feel that hurting their mate with words is the only defense mechanism they have.
Being upset doesn’t give one the right to be mean or disrespectful during an argument. Couples must remember that words spoken in anger can leave a permanent scar in the heart and mind of their mate long after the argument is over.
Calling your mate a name, cursing at them, talking about their family, or repeating something they shared with you in confidence in an attempt to embarrass or shame them are all disrespectful ways to argue. Fighting in this manner is a quick way to lose your mate’s respect, destroy trust, and ultimately shut them down in your relationship.
Burying the past
Some couples are unable to move forward because they are too busy dredging up the past. Once a conflict has been resolved, couples must learn how to focus on the present and move toward the future. What you focus on informs your thoughts, words, and actions.
Simply put, if you’re always replaying the past then you’re consistently altering the present in a negative way. Additionally, bringing up the past diminishes your mate’s present efforts to improve or correct a behavior. Filling your present with the past can cause you to be alone in the future.
There are several other things couples can do to fight fairly, these are a few that couples can implement immediately. The goal is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight in a way that improves the relationship and prevent things from occurring that destroys the relationship.
BMWK, are you fighting fairly?