This week’s spotlight is on Carlton and Joyce Waterman. They met as neighbors in New York around 1975 (as with most couples who have been together for so many years, they cannot remember the exact year) before getting married. They blended families to become one huge unit of seven children (all girls) and thirteen grandchildren (ranging in ages from eighteen months to twenty-one years). They will celebrate their thirty-third wedding anniversary in July this year and now reside in Georgia. Mr. Waterman may be a man of few words, but it was not hard to pick up that they’ve got a great thing going on!
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What were some of the immediate challenges you faced after getting married?
Joyce: (Laughs) It sounds funny, but it’s the honest to goodness truth: it was a mistake for us to have gone on and gotten married because the kids weren’t there. But if I had to do it again, I would certainly make sure that they were there with us because it was a change for their lives too. We got married at a church in Brooklyn and that was it.
Carlton: The kids found out when we got home, after it was all said and done.
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How were you able to work through this process of merging the two families together?
Joyce: Honestly I really believe that the girls had the “whatever” attitude. There’s a running joke that they’re not sure we’re really married because they never saw it. We spoke about it to them, but [in hindsight] we just shouldn’t have done it that way.
Carlton: The biggest thing was that we had to learn to love each child the same. That way, they felt like they were in one family instead of ‘She’s my mother’, or ‘He’s my father’.
Joyce: I never liked the “step” title [step-mom, step-dad, step-daughter, step-son] because we just don’t feel like that. It makes such a big difference. The youngest was eight when we got married. So they had known each other for about five years by that time already. They spent time around each other but it wasn’t the same as a real family relationship. They were just friends. So the relationships got easier when we said ‘We are all family’, instead of, ‘That’s my sister but not yours’. It didn’t make sense to throw that monkey wrench in there. And we didn’t like the separation that it creates.
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When the kids were younger, how did you handle conflict and discipline?
Carlton: We had to stay firm and be on one accord.
Joyce: Showing favoritism is a human thing but you just can’t allow yourself to go there. Children are way too perceptive for that. We didn’t let the children play one against the other. If they see you saying ‘You can’t talk to or discipline my child that way’, then that tells them right there that they have an ‘in.’ If I had a problem with the way he disciplined, it was across the board and not just with my birth child. We constantly had conversations about not allowing them to pin one of us against the other.
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What are some things you do consistently to keep your marriage healthy and intact after all of these years?
Carlton: We always made sure we went away on vacation every year. Now we go on vacation just the two of us but it used to always be with the kids.
Joyce: We started out as friends. What helps us keep sight of who we are is that we have that separate relationship — we are still friends. We can laugh and joke with each other and everything doesn’t have to be in the context of husband and wife, but as friends too. As long as the friendship is there, I don’t see how a relationship can deteriorate. But what has worked for us is just maintaining that basic part [of friendship].
We have a separate ‘Joyce & Butch’ relationship from Mommy & Daddy. We’ll be mommy and daddy forever, but that is not who we started out being. For a lot of people, when all they have in common is their children, it can lead to big trouble.
What are some of the things you had to learn to accept in each other?
Joyce: He’s always moving, always has something going on, always has to be productive, and I’m the exact opposite. He’s a day person and I’m a night person. It just took time to get that to a middle ground. My strengths are his weaknesses, his strengths are my weaknesses. When he needed to get up early in the morning when the kids were younger (and had been up like they had taken some no-dose), he’s the one that heard them and took care of them because I was still sleeping.
Carlton: It helps in certain cases where you’re strong in one area and she’s strong in another area. I think it’s a bit boring if you’re both into all of the same things. We have our separate likes and our dislikes. I think we just balance each other out.
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Do you have any other advice you want to share with our readers?
Carlton: Remember that your kids are your kids — not your friends. You can love them but sometimes you have to have that tough love.
Joyce: We all want our kids to be decent people and be someone we can be proud of, so we just need to stay on top of them. Be honest with them as much as possible. You can’t say ‘Oh mommy loves you, but I don’t have time.’ Then you don’t love them because that’s how it translates to them.
In terms of marriage, the idealistic thinking is that you have to be so honest about everything with each other. Honest and forthcoming are nice but that’s not always the best way to do it. If you’re not honest enough with yourself, then that’s where the problem lies. So be true to yourselves first.
Thanks again for Mr. & Mrs. Waterman for taking time to chat with us.
BMWK — Can you relate to blending a family or learning how to accept certain things in your spouse? Be sure to tell us about it in the comments section.