by Charlene Hawkins
I have a 13-year-old son who thought no one understood him because he is the only male in the house. I became his number one enemy! He used to sneak out at night and wouldn’t come home until the morning, his grades were the lowest in the school, and he has stolen from my significant other. Beating his behind and yelling was all I knew to do and that’s what everyone was advising me to do. All I did from sun up to sun down was scream at him and beat his behind as consequences for his bad decisions. After a year, I was exhausted, stressed out, and about to lose my relationship because of my son’s behaviors.
I thought about consequences that I could stick to for his actions because I was never consistent with anything else other than screaming and beating his behind. I came up with doing printed worksheets when he came home from school because he never had any homework when I asked; that didn’t work. Next, I made him stay home from activities on the weekends; that didn’t work. Clearly, it wasn’t working to teach him that his behavior was wrong.
One day, I was yelling and next thing I knew we were about to fight in my living room. That’s when I knew we both had to change or someone was going to get hurt. That was the first time he left my home without permission. Police were called and they asked a couple of questions that I couldn’t answer. “Who are your son’s friends?” and “Where does he hang out at?” That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks: I didn’t know anything about my son. All I did every day was tell him what to do and proceed with the daily tasks.
The change occurred the last time he snuck out and the police brought him back the next morning. I didn’t yell, scream, nor seem upset. I disregarded his explanation for leaving and calmly told him his punishment was cleaning everything that needed to be cleaned for three months. He couldn’t attend any functions for his leisure, and he would spend every evening with me in order for us to get to know each other. Rules were set. He had to bring home homework everyday, done or not, or there would be consequences in order for his grades to come up. Cleaning was to teach him responsibility and consequences for his actions.
I found the main reason for his actions because I was too busy to spend any time learning who he is and who his friends are. After two months of spending time with him, he is doing homework, still spending time with me and my house stays clean! Teenagers want time from their parents and it is an emergency that they have that time every day. It just might save their life””it did for my son.
My advise for parents who are in the same boat would be:
1. Don’t beat yourself up about your child’s behavior if you know you have been the best parent you know how to be.
2. Don’t react by screaming and physical punishment because that only last for that time period. That’s not teaching them to accept consequences for their behavior.
3. Be consistent with whatever discipline you choose to use!
4. Choose words carefully. Attack the behavior, not the child!
5. Reassure the child that you love them.
Have you dealt with defiant children? What did you do to correct their behavior?
Charlene Hawkins is a student at Sinclair Community College, studying to obtain her Mental Health Technology degree. She plans to open a black, christian mental health counseling office for women and parents to assist them in dealing with life on life’s terms.