Dear BMWK,
Even though he would probably say otherwise, my husband rarely admits to being wrong. Even when he does admit to being wrong and apologize, it is always done in a way that makes me seem equally as wrong, meaning his wrong is only ever a result of mine. Because of this, usually at some point I will apologize either way just to keep the peace.
The other day we had an argument in which he was absolutely, positively wrong. I know that wrong can be subjective, but on this he was wrong. There is no way around it. Since that day we have been at a standoff because in this moment I refuse to apologize.
I know that the advice is that it is better to be happy than right. Most of the time this is true. But to me, constantly having to take the blame for everything feels like a problem in itself. Because he never has to fully take responsibility for being wrong the behavior that leads to the argument in the first place never changes.
At my bridal shower there was an advice box. One piece of advice that I got in the box was that most of the time, the arguments you want to have are insignificant, but that there will be moments where you have to stand your ground so if you are going to argue, make sure it’s an argument that counts. This is one of those moments for me. It may seem selfish or even childish, but I am not apologizing for our argument today, tomorrow or ever. It’s not that I have a problem swallowing my pride if I have to, but continuously doing that is what keeps leading us back to the same place. I love my husband, but him constantly thinking he is Mr. Right has me always playing Mrs. Wrong, and I just don’t feel like doing that today.
HER VIEW:
In the You Saved Me film and trailer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzkmGkgZEg4) you can see Dwayne Buckingham make a profound statement. He talks about how a good relationship requires Compromise and Sacrifice. He says when you sacrifice you give up a part of yourself but you do it for the greater cause of the relationship. He then says Compromise is what we both want because, you get a little bit and I get a little bit. Good relationships are built on a healthy balance of both Compromise and Sacrifice. From your letter it sounds like you feel as though you’re doing all of the sacrificing and in this area of your marriage things are out of balance. I would recommend having an objective third party to talk to and to possibly give you more tools on how to deal with disagreements and conflicts.
HIS VIEW:
I agree with Ronnie’s comments above. Having a 3rd party who can objectively listen and help you work it out may be the key. I think from a man’s POV though make sure it is someone who he respects or at least respects their position or authority so it’s not a waste of time. Also be prepared for that 3rd party in the case that they do think some of the blame is yours as well. Like Dwayne Buckingham stated compromise is very important in your marriage but it has to be mutually satisfying and you can’t walk away each time feeling like you’ve been taken advantage of our it will eventually build resentment.
BMWK family, is it common for one spouse to always think they are right? What do you do if your spouse is never willing to admit to being wrong? Weigh in on the topic and let your fellow reader know what you think.