Last week, the world was crushed to learn of the tragic death of Minnesota Viking’s running back Adrian Peterson’s two-year-old son at the hands of his mother’s boyfriend. Joseph Robert Patterson, 27, allegedly caused injuries that lead to the child’s death while the mother left the child with Patterson for a short period of time. The child’s mother had recently begun dating Patterson who has a pattern of past violence. In 2012, he was sentenced for assault against a mother and her three-year-old son.
While the case of Adrian Peterson’s son is more high profile than most, this type of tragedy is not unheard of in the news—child abuse by a significant other. It is one that years ago as a young, single mother of a little girl was at the forefront of my mind while dating. In bringing a man into my life, the safety of my child, both physically and emotionally, was first and foremost. I knew that dating wasn’t just about me anymore, but instead about my child as well, and while some people thought my methods were overkill, I did what I had to do to keep her safe.
I did a background check shortly after we met. Graduating from journalism school helped me in my knowledge of being able to navigate different databases enough to do my own investigation and not have to pay for one, but with the web at your fingertips, there really is no excuse for being clueless about a potential partner’s background. Most states have online databases that allow you, at the very least, to find out if a potential mate has cases against him or her. Yes, I looked him (and his parents) up in every database that I could. Yes, I let him know about it. I believed that anyone who I would allow into my life would have to respect the lengths I would go to in order to protect my child.
I took it slow. It was almost a year before I brought my then-boyfriend around with any regularity. I know that people have different perspectives on this; some like to bring their partner around early on to see how he or she interacts with the child. For me, I felt that had he come into my child’s life after the time that we had been dating and not been able to interact with my daughter, it may have been harder for me….. but I was willing to take the risk in having to let the relationship go rather than introduce my daughter to someone that I hadn’t gotten to know well.
We were clear on discipline. Once my daughter did become a regular part of our lives together, we established guidelines for discipline. My husband has never physically disciplined my daughter. That fact has been a non-issue for us, because from the beginning it was never something he felt comfortable with. Each family will have to form their own boundaries for discipline, but they should exist, and should also only be drawn after a relationship with the child has been established. I cringe when I see the new man or woman coming in doling out spankings from day one.
Each person will have to create his or her own boundaries when it comes to dating with children, but I shared my own in the hopes that single parents will think wisely about whom they allow into the lives of their children. Today a family is mourning the loss of a little boy and the one who bears the blame is the one who ultimately committed the crime. My prayers and thoughts go out to his family today. Rest in peace, little one.
BMWK – what lengths have you gone through to keep your child safe while you were dating?