Sobbing uncontrollably, I found myself in a space that I never thought I would enter. I was at a loss and completely confused about what happened to my own mother. How could she be in such despair? After raising two happy, healthy kids, how could she be filled with so much pain?
I struggled to write this. Not because I am uncomfortable sharing, but because I respect my mother so much. I had a conversation with her about it and she said if her story could help someone, she was more than willing to share. I thanked her so much for that because sharing such intimate details about her life takes so much courage.
In the Spring of 2011, I received a call that my mother, the model of strength in my life for so many years, just didn’t want to be here anymore and attempted to end things. Thankfully she survived. What followed was a long and difficult journey to help her manage the pain and begin to rebuild her life.
Intellectually I had no trouble understanding that depression is a mental health condition that can really strike anyone at anytime. Emotionally, though, my heart was in pieces and I found myself hurt and confused. Wasn’t my mother proud of the great job she did with us? Didn’t my mother find joy in seeing us happy and successful? I knew that I needed to separate her current state from the mom she once was, because none of this was personal.
None of it was about me. It was about her life, her pain, her cry for help.
I had to find a space where my intellect and my emotions could meet, but it was so hard.
When we love someone—whether it’s a parent, a child, or a spouse—it’s hard for us to understand the pain they may have within; especially since it’s often not expressed. People can suffer from a deep depression while managing to hide it from the people they love most. Or they sometimes try to find a way to express their pain but are often told by loved ones to shake it off or just pray. The problem is, depression is a horrible beast and sometimes, despite countless efforts to find peace and joy, the pain remains and it grows.
So what do you do when you love someone immensely and realize that they are deeply depressed? How can you help them? To be honest, it’s hard. Sometimes your best efforts to encourage them fall flat because you aren’t saying the right things. From my experience the best thing you can do for your loved one is show compassion and empathy while helping them identify resources that can provide the help they need.
Don’t try to be a therapist because that is not your role. Your role is to offer support and love. You can’t take their pain away—not matter how hard you try. You can’t fix what’s wrong. All you can do is point them in the direction of someone qualified to help, and you can love them every step of the way.
I wish I could take away my mom’s pain, but I can’t. It’s her battle to fight and the best thing I can do is stand by her side. I am so grateful for the progress she’s made over the years, but I know that her struggle isn’t over. I know that she continues to work through her pain, trying to find joy in the little things life has to offer her.
Being informed and supportive is critical. Become familiar with the signs and symptoms of depression, as well as the signs of worsening depression and suicide. Learn more about available resources and who you should contact for urgent matters or in cases of an emergency.
Your loved one, especially if they are male, won’t always express their sadness to you. It may take some careful attention on your part to even realize that they are having a hard time. They might even need your help with realizing what’s happening to them. But needing your help doesn’t mean they need your advice or your judgment. What they need most is your love and the encouragement.
I wish the answers were a lot easier. I wish depression were a lot easier to beat. I wish no one ever felt like “ending things” was the answer. But I know that too many of our people suffer in silence. I know that there is a horrible stigma about depression in our community and this stigma makes it a battle that so many of our brothers and sisters end up losing. I also know that you should care about depression whether your have it or not, because it can rear its ugly head in your life when you least expect it.
Let your loved ones know that you see them and they matter. Let them know that you may not understand their pain, but you love them and want them to get the help they need. That alone can make such a difference. I know it’s made a difference with my own mother.
BMWK: Has anyone in your family ever suffered from depression?