Hi Dr. Buckingham,
Hope you are doing well. I’m writing you for some advice. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have been married for 8 months. We have an 8 month old and have been separated for 4 months. He has problems with everything including my sister and cousin staying with us. I have a five-bed room house and he pays all the bills. I told him that my sister and cousin will move out after they get their taxes. He is not happy. Besides this issue, my husband also has trust issues. His mother chose a man over him and his dad is a recovering addict. He never had great role models.
We both grew up poor in low-income housing in Baltimore, but my parents are still together. Because of his life experiences, he does not really value marriage. He told me marriage did not mean that much to him. He said that he would have never gotten married if I did not marry him. I do not know what to do because he is a great father and step dad. I’m confused by all of his tactics. We still have sexual relations, but when he feels like it. He is still paying the bills, but I am not sure about our future. My father told me that men don’t grow up until they reach the age of 35. I need advice. Is there hope for my marriage? When Do Men Mature and Embrace Marriage?
Lonely Lady,
Dear Lonely Lady,
I am sorry to tell you this, but your marital problems are not solely due to immaturity. Mature men realize that the world does not revolve around them. In contrast, immature men expect their needs to get met without demonstrating much empathy or consideration for others. Besides maturity challenges, your husband appears to have some unresolved psychological problems that require intervention.
Without good role models and/or intervention, some people go through life trying to figure things out the best way they know how. They often do what is common to them. According to you, your husband did not grow up in stable and loving household, so he might not be familiar with how to sustain a healthy marriage. You mentioned that your husband does not value marriage and only got married because of you. This is obviously concerning for you and is a sign of immaturity on your husband’s behalf.
Men mature at different rates than women and chronological age is not a determining factor for marital readiness. A man’s readiness for marriage can best be assessed by his ability to deal with anger, disappointment and conflict in an effective manger. Learning these skills do not occur without some form of commitment to change and growth. Also, a man’s ability to embrace marriage can be determined by his desire and belief about marriage. If he believes in marriage, he will embrace it.
Men mature and embrace marriage when they learn to accept responsibility for themselves and others. Marriage is a partnership with two people having different, but equally important roles in the relationship. Concern for others is a true mark of maturity, especially in marriage. Expressing concern for others and demonstrating empathy are qualities that indicate that a man is ready for marriage. Through professional counseling your husband can learn what it means to delay personal pleasures for marital pleasures. With the right kind of guidance and support, your marriage can survive and thrive. Your husband will mature and embrace marriage when he shifts from pleasure-centeredness and selfishness to purpose-centeredness and selflessness. Simply stated, men mature and embrace marriage when they put in work.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.