Dear Dr. Buckingham
I’ve been married for two years to a wonderful man. I love him very much. I make significantly more money than my husband, which isn’t a problem for me, but it seems to be a problem for him.
I am a pretty low-maintenance wife. I don’t require a lot to be happy, but my husband does not buy me anything. I’m not even sure he thinks about buying me anything. And because of that, I guess I am slowly becoming a little bitter and need to know how to deal with this issue.
He buys himself things, but he just doesn’t think about me. It hurts my feelings because I’m always thinking of him whenever I shop. How do I cope with my inconsiderate husband?
Sincerely,
I Can Buy It Myself
Dear I Can Buy It Myself,
In an ideal world, our spouse would be in tune with all of our needs and read our body language well enough to keep us happy. However, this kind of thinking is counterproductive because it minimizes one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, which is effective communication.
Given this, the best way to cope with inconsideration is to address it head-on.
Walking around feeling hurt is not going to change your situation or solve your problem. Instead of waiting on your husband to surprise you, tell him what you desire and need. Each person is unique and different. Some individuals are givers and often think about others, and some are takers. Unfortunately, takers often need reminders.
While we are all different, none of us like to be attacked or chastised. I say this to remind you of the importance of addressing his behavior, not his personality. People can change their behavior, but nobody likes to be called names such as selfish or inconsiderate.
Communicating effectively with your husband will allow you to better understand the source of his inconsiderate behavior. He might be thinking that you do not need anything because you make more money and can buy what you need.
This is very common thinking when an individual is well off financially. I recently had to have a conversation with my wife about this as well. She assumed that I did not like to receive gifts or surprises because I make good money.
After having a direct conversation with my wife, I learned that she often thought about buying me things, but struggled with selections. She stated, “You have everything.” I told her that it was not about receiving a certain type of gift. Any gift would suffice because I wanted to know that she was thinking about me. After our conversation, the issue was resolved.
Talk to your husband, and let him know that you do not agree with the way he is acting. Listen to him, and try to come to an understanding. Make sure that you offer solutions and do not allow your emotions or attitude to block your happiness. There is an old saying, “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” Open your mouth and express what you desire. Verbalize your thoughts and feelings, and see how he responds.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.