By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Inspired by a comment on my last post “How Do Couples Outgrow One Another” I had to touch on this topic. One of the readers revealed her decision to put her life, dreams and plans on hold to fully invest in those of her husband. She mentioned her regret in that choice. Just like the previous dialogue, this is also a conversation that needs to be had.
In addition to wives, husbands have also been guilty of putting their own lives on hold thinking they are doing what’s best for their marriage and family. In these situations the goal is usually to keep the spouse happy and content by suppressing one’s own true desires and not rocking the boat. It hurts more than it helps. If you dull your voice and stop pursing the things that are important to you, regret can set in as well as resentment toward your spouse. In turn your spouse could possibly become bored with the marriage, if everything is always about them. Both spouses pursuing their individual purpose is healthy for the marriage and the family.
The following are signs that you may have lost yourself in your marriage and what you can do about it:
- You have not participated in any of the hobbies, activities or groups that truly interest you. How frustrating is it to know what brings you joy and satisfaction and not do anything about it. Believe it or not there are always a few more hours in the day to use on your passion. The marriage and family may eat the majority of the day, but there is always a space to fit in what you really enjoy. Take an hour here or there and do what you love.
- You find yourself quieting your voice by not voicing your opinion on decisions that affect your family. Speak up! That family belongs to you as well; why not share your ideas and plans so that you and your spouse can reach the decisions (together) that benefit all.
- The close friends have not had the pleasure of enjoying your company in quite some time. Call up your girlfriends or your guy pals and plan an outing. Make spending time with friends a recurring event, you’ll feel good and have a great time.
- You are resenting your spouse for the goals they have achieved. This happens when the spouse has followed their dreams and you have not. It’s not their fault. You probably gave your total support to them and now it’s your turn to receive theirs. A marriage is about give and take. Let your spouse know what you want and ask for their support.
- You keep kicking yourself over missed opportunities. It doesn’t have to be this way. The alternative is that you take advantage of those open doors. Be honest with yourself about what steps need to be taken in order for you to pursue your goals. Don’t let fear or doubt prevent you from taking those leaps of faith.
Marriage is about sharing your life with someone, not losing yourself in the process. Remember who you were and what you wanted before you said “I do.” Keep in mind your spouse is happy when you’re happy and why shouldn’t you both be happy.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.