By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Inspired by a comment on my last post “How Do Couples Outgrow One Another” I had to touch on this topic. One of the readers revealed her decision to put her life, dreams and plans on hold to fully invest in those of her husband. She mentioned her regret in that choice. Just like the previous dialogue, this is also a conversation that needs to be had.
In addition to wives, husbands have also been guilty of putting their own lives on hold thinking they are doing what’s best for their marriage and family. In these situations the goal is usually to keep the spouse happy and content by suppressing one’s own true desires and not rocking the boat. It hurts more than it helps. If you dull your voice and stop pursing the things that are important to you, regret can set in as well as resentment toward your spouse. In turn your spouse could possibly become bored with the marriage, if everything is always about them. Both spouses pursuing their individual purpose is healthy for the marriage and the family.
The following are signs that you may have lost yourself in your marriage and what you can do about it:
- You have not participated in any of the hobbies, activities or groups that truly interest you. How frustrating is it to know what brings you joy and satisfaction and not do anything about it. Believe it or not there are always a few more hours in the day to use on your passion. The marriage and family may eat the majority of the day, but there is always a space to fit in what you really enjoy. Take an hour here or there and do what you love.
- You find yourself quieting your voice by not voicing your opinion on decisions that affect your family. Speak up! That family belongs to you as well; why not share your ideas and plans so that you and your spouse can reach the decisions (together) that benefit all.
- The close friends have not had the pleasure of enjoying your company in quite some time. Call up your girlfriends or your guy pals and plan an outing. Make spending time with friends a recurring event, you’ll feel good and have a great time.
- You are resenting your spouse for the goals they have achieved. This happens when the spouse has followed their dreams and you have not. It’s not their fault. You probably gave your total support to them and now it’s your turn to receive theirs. A marriage is about give and take. Let your spouse know what you want and ask for their support.
- You keep kicking yourself over missed opportunities. It doesn’t have to be this way. The alternative is that you take advantage of those open doors. Be honest with yourself about what steps need to be taken in order for you to pursue your goals. Don’t let fear or doubt prevent you from taking those leaps of faith.
Marriage is about sharing your life with someone, not losing yourself in the process. Remember who you were and what you wanted before you said “I do.” Keep in mind your spouse is happy when you’re happy and why shouldn’t you both be happy.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Pure says
All these which you’ve listed up are really exact one to one this I can say cos ‘ as any other ordinary woman, I had lost my life spending 8 years of my precious time ,thinkin’ n expecting to lead a peaceful simple life with laughter….But no … I had failed in my thoughts….But Good grace I am out of the relationship now with my two kids…..Yes!Now am happy to my bottom core of my heart….This post had made me think of the past experiences(won’t say bad _ cos I have learnt something out of it)….
I would advice all not to loose life in name of marriage….
Rubygriffin36 says
I must say a lot of women,put their relationship on hold in their marriage,by neglecting themselves thinking their life have ended after marriage that they surround a barricade just for family…leaving no open for enjoying of themselves…Write down your short time goals that you’re looking at achieving within two 2 to 5 years of y’all marriage or relationship…Write down things that y’all know that can be better in the marriage and work on correcting them…Write down the progress that y’all have already achieve in the marriage as of today…Remember you have a voice in y’all marriage at all times.These’re some suggestion that work for me,cause i’m alway jotting down things that can improve in my marriage with my family and even jotting down my plan for each day for being with myself…I’m just saying..Who you going to blame for faking your own identity for pleasing of others?
Rubygriffin36 says
I must say a lot of women,put their relationship on hold in their marriage,by neglecting themselves thinking their life have ended after marriage that they surround a barricade just for family…leaving no open for enjoying of themselves…Write down your short time goals that you’re looking at achieving within two 2 to 5 years of y’all marriage or relationship…Write down things that y’all know that can be better in the marriage and work on correcting them…Write down the progress that y’all have already achieve in the marriage as of today…Remember you have a voice in y’all marriage at all times.These’re some suggestion that work for me,cause i’m alway jotting down things that can improve in my marriage with my family and even jotting down my plan for each day for being with myself…I’m just saying..Who you going to blame for faking your own identity for pleasing of others?
Discussion King says
Good stuff Tiya. I believe relationships are 3 fold.. me, you, and us.. And in addition to feeding the US.. the relationship.. we also need to each other individually.. which means you being you.. however you measure it… and the same with me. Too many times I’ve let a young women become my ‘boo’ and my boo only (an identity related to me) .. when she in fact was Tasha or Erica.. (having an identity before me… and that doesn’t always revolve around me).
Takes practice and this was a good reminder.
Discussion King says
Good stuff Tiya. I believe relationships are 3 fold.. me, you, and us.. And in addition to feeding the US.. the relationship.. we also need to each other individually.. which means you being you.. however you measure it… and the same with me. Too many times I’ve let a young women become my ‘boo’ and my boo only (an identity related to me) .. when she in fact was Tasha or Erica.. (having an identity before me… and that doesn’t always revolve around me).
Takes practice and this was a good reminder.
Tabitha Ramos says
This is so important, luckily I enjoy getting out and having a nice time with my close friends. As for pursuing my own goals, I didn’t realize that it was so vital to a marriage… Thanks for sharing this today
Ronnie_BMWK says
I like to call this suffering in silence. ..in the long run this is going to hurt your marriage and your relationship.
Anonymous says
So often in a marriages it is the woman that gives up everything to “be” everything the man wants her to be but I say that is not a way to start off any relationship. For a successful relationship it takes “both” partners working together for a common goal of happiness! I am glad I found this site to read just what WE are thinking about solid true “in-love” relationships and it is refreshing! My father was over 25 year military and one of his moto s stuck in my head: if two people love each other and want to make a marriage work then they have to work with each other if not they are “working” against each other! And as long as you are working against each other your are working against the success of the marriage!
T. Rogers says
This is a great post. I would like to point out something. Whenever there is talk of someone losing themselves in a marriage it is usually implied to be the woman. For the record men can and do lose themselves as well. Most men dont want to spend their lives slaving away at a mid level job, missing time with their wives, and missing key moments in their childrens lives. Yet, it is very common. Women arent the only ones that get sucked in by the rigors of family life. Women arent the only ones that who have trouble making the adjustments.
Reggie Williams says
Tiya, A GREAT Post. While I’m a ardent advocate that nothing is greater than “The MARRIAGE,” I fully cognizant that in order for “The MARRIAGE” to flourish the partner in the marriage must flourish. So my wife and I live by the principle taught in air travel. Put your mask on first. The demonstration by the flight attendents are speaking about adult putting on their mask first to help their children. But the principle is applicable in marriage as well. Put on your mask so that you don’t lose yourself and then you are available to abundantly give to your marriage.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Tiya says
I like that comparison Reggie, it’s just like that. If you are not in a happy place how will you contribute to the health of your marriage.
FirstladyShonda says
I have read a couple comments about women giving up their goals, so they can be what their husbands want. What about the ones who give it up for themselves and their children? To me you don’t have to give up on your goals, you can put them off or God might have other plans for you. I have been home for 6 years with my kids and do not regret in one bit. My husband did not ask me to stay home, it was a choice I made. I have an online store, which I believe is ordained by God. Help with many projects at our church. My kids are healthy, very intelligent, and behave well. I also have a spiritual blog. I am going to seminary school to receive a master’s degree and writing a book on marriage. In this process, God has sent new friends my way, that I go out with and worship with. Staying at home has been a great decision so far for me. I think it is just about balance. Just as stated in the article, still maintaining an identity for yourself and fighting for it. I did go through a moment, that I had to find myself and the direction God had for me. Sometimes, we are too focused on our friends and feeling as if we are being left behind. Instead, we have to focus on ourselves and what is best for our family. Alot of times, a sacrifice can be what holds your family together in the long run.
FirstladyShonda says
I will tell anyone: marriage is about sacrifice! This is not all the time, but eventually you are going to give up something. Even if it is just your opinion on something. You can’t agree half way on everything. http://www.shondanicole.blogspot.com
Ashleigh_gaskin says
I’ve only been married for almost 4 months now, but I totally agree with this article. My motehr an my aunts all warned me not to lose myself once I got married, and I’m heeding that advice. BUt my husband is so wonderful and has found a way for us to be able to do what we love most. I love him and support him in his choice (he joined the National Guard and is currently in boot camp) knowing he always want to be the protector. i am now able to afford dance classes and stay home with our beautiful son (which is all I want to do).
Zari Alexxanderrcaine says
Enthralling, informative and revealing.
Tiya says
Thank you!
cam says
great post. it’s so easy to get lost in it all. great reminders.
Tiya says
Thank you cam. It’s very easy to get lost, especially when we are putting our spouses and children first.
Mentally Waivering says
This is a very good post. I enjoyed the article as well as the comments. There’s a lot of great info here. Thank you.
Tiya says
Thank you!
Firstladycorns says
I guess I’m just different or rather we are different. I think that my husband and I agreed upon where we were headed for the first 40; however, the next 40 are not going to be as simple. He wants to give up on where we are and go in another direction. My take on that is that he should have done what he wants to do now before the churches and the pastor & the supt. thangs! I’m going with him and I’m praying that whereva he is lead will be the leading of the Lord and if that is the case we’ll be just fine! If not I’ll just lie in a ditch with him and we’ll be all right as long as we’re together. I’m a bit apprehensive but I actually trust the God in this man!