One of the greatest things about being single is the fact you get a bunch of “do-overs.” Whatever you didn’t get right the first time around in a relationship, you get more chances to get it figured out. It’s important to be introspective of what’s happening within each of us and how it resonates within the relationship. Let’s talk about some ways we can “figure it out” as we go along.
Placing Blame and Finding Fault is Never a Good Thing
When in relationship, it’s easy to see what others are doing wrong. We must be considerate of others and remember we make mistakes as well. Placing blame and finding fault is never conducive to making things better.
Most often, we know what we have done wrong and where we have fallen short. We know if we didn’t deposit some money at the bank and then your wife wrote a check and it bounced. We know when we didn’t take some clothes to the dry cleaner before an important meeting or send out the school fund raiser to the people we had agreed to. Some people take responsibility and some people ignore their failing. Regardless of how that person approaches the situation, you as the outside party who can clearly see the failing should not make it a point to blame or fault the other person for what they did. Be compassionate and show some grace. It will help you enjoy a great life with imperfect people in the long run.
Responsibility…Take Some!
Being single and making a living is a very cool thing. It’s allows you the ability to only be responsible for one person, yourself. That’s a good feeling, but as single people when we only have a party of one to look out for, we can get lax on the mission. We can drink maybe one more drink than we should. We can go to bed a little later and struggle to get up earlier more often, because we aren’t responsible for getting the kids to school, dog to the park and making sure the husband/wife has everything they need before they are off to work. We just don’t live in that world yet. Being down to take care of yourself is great, but unless you plan on being single forever, start taking responsibility for others.
I think a great example of being responsible for others is dating someone with a child. I have been on both sides of the coin, being that I am a single father and also having dated a woman with a child. My personal experience has always made me ready for the responsibility of taking on someone else’s child. It’s not optional for me, if I’m rocking with her, I’m down for her children also. I think this is a necessity in a relationship. My current significant other doesn’t have any children, but she’s always there for my child; it’s like she’s been a parent all of her life. Her attitude is great! Her example should be the way we all choose to be responsible in relationships.
Find, Assess, Revise, Rinse and Repeat
Individuals are stagnant. We make mistakes, we grow, we learn, we adapt or change, we make more mistakes; rinse and repeat. The most important thing in the process of building relationship skills is finding YOUR shortcomings, assessing them for what you did and could have done better, making the appropriate revisions and repeating the process better than before. If you can’t do this, you aren’t growing. If you aren’t finding your mistakes, you will continue doing the same things fostering the same problems. You have to be cognizant of what you are doing, what is working and what isn’t.
Consider these questions: Are you putting your partner first? Do you listen more than talk? When you do listen are you paying attention or are you thinking about “Basketball Wives” or your fantasy football team? What character traits are important to you? Are you dating people that don’t match what you think you want in a mate?
This isn’t about having a “Chilli list” (characteristics of a perfect man, meeting all of her requirements). This is about learning about you. What do you want and need out of a potential spouse? Make sure your character reflects what you expect out of your spouse. When you can answer these questions honestly and affirmatively, you are well on your way to “figuring it out.”