by Tara Pringle Jefferson
One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day three years ago is the one with me, my new husband – and our six-month-old daughter.
About two years into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. We had talked about getting married but we hadn’t set a date. But at the point we saw that “Positive” on the pregnancy test? It was go time.
After the wedding, however, I felt something was “off.” Not that I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t quite feel like a newlywed should. After all, we already had a kid, had been living together since our daughter was born, and we had spent almost every day together for all of our three-year-relationship.
I wish there was some type of manual to help parents adjust to marriage, when most books on the subject tackle the topic in the opposite direction – helping couples adjust to parenthood.
So here’s the tidbits I would have given myself (or anyone else getting married after having a kid):
1. Embrace the letdown, if any. We went to Vegas for our honeymoon. At the time, I was still breastfeeding, so we had to head back to the room every couple hours so I could pump. Romantic, right? I accepted it for what it was and we were able to laugh about it, figuring that Vegas was hot as heck so at least we got to sit in the air-conditioned room every couple hours!
2. The traditional “newlywed” image doesn’t fit. When you have a kid before you get married, it’s almost as if the wedding is a mere formality. Committed couple, raising a kid together under one roof? Um, that’s kinda like being married so people seem not to take it as seriously. Maybe it was just our group of friends but we got a bunch of cash instead of gifts, making me feel like folks just stopped at the ATM on the way to the ceremony. (Not that I cared – cash was fine with me! LOL)
3. The transition can be just as rough. When you first move in with someone, there’s a period of adjustment. You have to learn how to accept each other’s quirks, learn when they need their space, etc. But when you’ve already been living with someone and sharing the responsibilities of a household, you might bump heads a little because now things are “different.” Intentional or not, there’s another learning curve being thrown at you – how do you deal with that?
3. Focus on the kid (still) or focus on your new marriage? I honestly felt like splitting myself in two so I could be all things to everyone. I wanted to be the world’s best mom, but I had a brand-new marriage and no clue what it meant to be a wife. Two roles, competing for my attention and no real experience in either arena. I struggled a bit to find my footing, but if I had some space between the “Mom” and “Wife” titles, I might have had an easier time adjusting.
Of course, I know this is only my experience. Age (I was 21 when I got married – my husband was 26) also had something to do with it, I’m sure. We were still trying to figure each other out, and even though things didn’t occur in the “right” order – it worked out. I’m happy. 🙂
BMWK family – who else had kids before they were married? What was the biggest challenge?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for more insights on love and family.