by Tara Pringle Jefferson
One of my favorite pictures from my wedding day three years ago is the one with me, my new husband – and our six-month-old daughter.
About two years into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. We had talked about getting married but we hadn’t set a date. But at the point we saw that “Positive” on the pregnancy test? It was go time.
After the wedding, however, I felt something was “off.” Not that I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t quite feel like a newlywed should. After all, we already had a kid, had been living together since our daughter was born, and we had spent almost every day together for all of our three-year-relationship.
I wish there was some type of manual to help parents adjust to marriage, when most books on the subject tackle the topic in the opposite direction – helping couples adjust to parenthood.
So here’s the tidbits I would have given myself (or anyone else getting married after having a kid):
1. Embrace the letdown, if any. We went to Vegas for our honeymoon. At the time, I was still breastfeeding, so we had to head back to the room every couple hours so I could pump. Romantic, right? I accepted it for what it was and we were able to laugh about it, figuring that Vegas was hot as heck so at least we got to sit in the air-conditioned room every couple hours!
2. The traditional “newlywed” image doesn’t fit. When you have a kid before you get married, it’s almost as if the wedding is a mere formality. Committed couple, raising a kid together under one roof? Um, that’s kinda like being married so people seem not to take it as seriously. Maybe it was just our group of friends but we got a bunch of cash instead of gifts, making me feel like folks just stopped at the ATM on the way to the ceremony. (Not that I cared – cash was fine with me! LOL)
3. The transition can be just as rough. When you first move in with someone, there’s a period of adjustment. You have to learn how to accept each other’s quirks, learn when they need their space, etc. But when you’ve already been living with someone and sharing the responsibilities of a household, you might bump heads a little because now things are “different.” Intentional or not, there’s another learning curve being thrown at you – how do you deal with that?
3. Focus on the kid (still) or focus on your new marriage? I honestly felt like splitting myself in two so I could be all things to everyone. I wanted to be the world’s best mom, but I had a brand-new marriage and no clue what it meant to be a wife. Two roles, competing for my attention and no real experience in either arena. I struggled a bit to find my footing, but if I had some space between the “Mom” and “Wife” titles, I might have had an easier time adjusting.
Of course, I know this is only my experience. Age (I was 21 when I got married – my husband was 26) also had something to do with it, I’m sure. We were still trying to figure each other out, and even though things didn’t occur in the “right” order – it worked out. I’m happy. 🙂
BMWK family – who else had kids before they were married? What was the biggest challenge?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for more insights on love and family.
Forgive me for butting in. We had a traditional experience — Love=>Marriage=>children.
What I haven’t understood is what happens when a “committed couple” lives together for years, then get married? What is the adjustment? What is the challenge?
For traditional newlyweds the big adjustment is learning how to live together. The marriage ceremony is the public and legal commitment. So, if a couple is already in a “committed relationship,” what is the adjustment, other than a legal document to file, and perhaps a new bill to pay for the expense of the wedding?
I realize that the “new reality” that we are dealing with is often much more like your own. I would think that the public confirmation would bring more stability and “seal” the relationship. You mention the “new marriage” as if the roles of wife and mother are now different. I wonder what the difference is for the new husband and father.
I am looking forward to reading about the perspective of others who share your experience.
I believe that difference depends on the length of the “live-in” relationship. In the author’s situation they had a short period between baby and nuptials, they were still in the learning stage of their relationship as parents and as living together. For some people, not necessarily the couple but each individual, they do see a difference in being the live-in partner and being married. As the live-in partner, it is completely ok to not wake early to prepare breakfast for him but as a wife it is part of the duties…just using this as an example. I remember my parents, who had the traditional set up and are still together around 40 yrs later, telling me why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Some people have this thought and don’t do everything that a husband or wife is traditional meant to do for this reason.
There are so many possible reasons why individuals see a difference in the relationship dynamics and these are just a few that popped in my head.
Although we didn’t have children before we married, we did live together before the wedding. Most people would look at it and say, “well, they were already ‘playing’ married, so it can’t be that big of a difference,” but oh it is!! When you’re not married, you don’t have the responsibilities of being a wife or husband. When you get married, those responsibilities that you may not have taken seriously before, now have to be taken seriously. For example, before we got married, my husband’s bills were his bills, my bills were my bills and we split rent and utilities down the middle. After we got married, my bills became his and his became mine. Rent and utilities became ours. Our money became ours. That’s an adjustment in itself. As far as responsibilities, when you’re not married, you don’t feel the need to take on that wifely role of making sure your husband has a meal every day, the house is clean and suitable and your husband doesn’t feel the need to take on that husband role of making sure his family has everything they need. A little off topic from the article, but more of a response to the first comment.
I’m glad this order of operations worked out for you. I wish we as a community would stop normalizing Love > Baby > ?Marriage?…
70% of black children are born to unmarried parents. How sad is that?
I dont think that communities are normalizing having a child before marriage. We all have different paths, and noone has the right to judge anyone elses path in life.
I guess I never quite understood this issue either… why wait to marry after the baby is almost walking and talking to get married? While I know that pregnancies before marriage have always happened and will always happen, to me, it seems that the longer people wait to solidify their commitment as a family with a marital bond, the less likely that marriage is to take place.
It’s always about pushing back the date, figuring out when you’re “ready,” etc… I say that it’s often about making yourself ready and just doing it.
I understand too that Aja, you were young and that might have been the reason to put off marriage… at the same time, even with young women, if you’re already going to be a mother and are staying with your partner, why not go ahead and get married? I’d rather be a young wife and mother than just a young mother… the deed is done and being young is not a reason to still continue to remain unmarried.
I say this not so much to the people who have been there, done that, but to those who might see the love-baby-marriage cycle as “okay” because other folks did it and it worked out fine. For those that do work out, a whole lot of other relationships with the love-baby order don’t finish up with the marriage part.
And to be honest, it’s something that does bother me about reading a lot of black wedding and marriage sites… I appreciate the reasoned discussion that you’ve presented here, Aja, but I admit that it’s something that I find disconcerting when I see this pattern as the norm on black relationship/wedding/marriage blogs, while it’s rarely a topic for discussion on mainstream wedding/marriage sites.
@PJ – All I can do is share my experience. In my life, it was love > baby > marriage. I can’t apologize for that now – all I do is share what I’ve lived.
We could have rushed and got married before our daughter was born. But we didn’t.
As I said in the article, we were together for two years when I got pregnant. 16 months later, we got married, which isn’t an eternity when you’re talking about engagement periods. We didn’t “put off marriage.”
What is most important to me is that my kids have always grown up with two loving parents who love each other. Yes, for six months of my daughter’s life, her parents weren’t married. But we have ALWAYS loved each other and fought for our marriage and relationship.
I don’t think sharing my experience tries to make it “okay” or the new normal. But the reality is – this is a discussion we need to have. You’re right – too many people go love (or lust) > baby > then….break up. We need to talk about what happens AFTER you have a kid with someone, how to keep the relationship strong and why marriage is a wise decision in the first place.
My apologizes… I meant to say Tara instead of Aja. Sorry about that!
My apologizes… I meant to say Tara instead of Aja. Sorry about that!
I just want to say thank you Tara for sharing your experience. I too had the love, baby, and marriage experience. And I also struggled with the changes in my relationship after marriage. I didnt understand why there was a change figuring we have already been living together for about 4 years before we got married. What I failed to understand that marriage is an entirely different level of commitment. It is not only a commitment you make with your spouse it is a commitment you make with God. There is no more “well I will just leave.†It is a giving all you got no holding back type of commitment. The reason for my lack of understanding is I had no examples of marriage. No one in my family was married, except for my grandparents who happen to be separated. My husband on the other had understood all of this because he had his parents as an example of what marriage is. So trying to balance motherhood (my daughter was 18 months when we got married) and the change in the dynamics of my relationship was very difficult for me. And I too wish there was some type of manual, and I also wished that you had published your tidbits before I got married. They would have been so helpful. Thank you for sharing. It is nice to know that someone knows how I feel.
Type your comment here.TB,
It dose matter how long you wait. You will never no all there is to no about that person. Marrage is not a bed of roses it has it ups and downs. So go with kid!! It will work!! so don’t worry about it’s fun!!!!!!!!!!!(SMILE ) I am going on 48 year!! You and your friend take all the time you want and take care of that kid!! GOD WILL DO THE REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RW
I too had my baby then got married. My son was 4 months old when we got married! Thank you for sharing your story! Black MARRIED with children didn’t say what order it had to be in. People really need to look outside the box before they judge.
Great comment and great point! People love to see what you are lacking, and are so quick to judge!!
The 20-21st century way of doing things is love, baby, marriage. That’s just fine. The old/conventional way of doing things is love, marriage, baby and that is fine too. It’s just a matter of choice and both are legal and fine.
I want to give thanks to my Aunts, Uncles, cousins, friends, coworkers, classmates, dentists, doctors, attorneys, maintenance, mail carriers, massage therapists, nail techs, hair stylists, short order cooks, top chefs, fast food cooks on the fries, babysitters and even the PRESIDENT who were born out of wedlock. They all make the world go around and keep things interesting. What else would we have to talk about, huh? Thanks to God for creating us in your image and likeness! Yay!
The president was not born out of wedlock. Conceived out of wedlock, yes… parents married before he was born. Mom remarried later.
It’s not judging. I did things out of order. It turned out well, but most are not as lucky as the stories represented in this article and the comments. I have learned that stepping outside of established norms brings heat. I dealt with it, because I knew and believed I deserved it.
Obviously it can be completely okay because as a race we aren’t exactly where we need to be. For most of us, we never see the marriage part of it and when we do the road to happiness can be twice as hard. I finder it far more prudent to acknowledge the truth in your adversary’s argument and think about how you can improve because of it.
Tonya,
Thanks for this comment. That’s all that I am saying, and I think that we aren’t getting anywhere by using the “Stop Judging” statement because we might feel offended or bothered by certain comments.
Life is full of judgments and every single one of us judges other people every second, minute, and hour of everyday. Saying, “Stop judging,” simply prevents important conversations from taking place.
Again, Tara, Tonya, etc., I am very glad things turned out well for you and your families and having a baby before marriage is not automatically a doomsday sentence. But as a few of us have already mentioned, the love first, baby second order puts us in a very precarious position and the black community is SERIOUSLY feeling the effects of that because most couples are NOT going on to get married. And yes, it can perhaps be harder to move from being an unmarried couple with a child to a married couple with a child than starting with marriage first, children second.
And no, not everyone believes this is the 20-21st century way of doing things. The majority of this country’s children are still born after marriage, even though those numbers are decreasing. There is a reason why the traditional ways have worked for centuries, and why changing the order (and often skipping the marriage part) has created so much difficulty for our community.
Let me tell you, my family started in on me and didn’t let up until a few years ago. I hated it, but you can bet I didn’t have anymore kids out of wedlock! My cousin on the other hand, now has two out-of-wedlock with NO husband on the horizon.
I also hate that ‘Don’t Judge’ ish. We’re judge from the time we’re born to we’re in the grave (and the afterlife). Get over it. I have, and have made better deicisons because of it.
I am so glad you wrote on this topic. I have had two children out of wedlock, they are 4 and almost 7 years old. I had my kids with the same man, and my children have never known a day without their father present in the home and in their lives. I don’t make excuses for what happened, we have lived up to our responsibility of providing a loving and stable home for our kids. Their dad (now my fiance) and I maintain a strong loving relationship with each other, through the ups and downs. My concern now is that I am in the planning stage of the wedding, and it will be a good sized one. I feel like people want us to get married, but not have the type of wedding we are having. It’s almost as if people want to say, “well you already have kids, what’s the point of a big wedding. Just go to the courthouse.” Should I not be entitled to having a nice celebration like the people who took the love-marriage-baby road? I am not going into debt for it, I work an extra job so I don’t see what the big issue is. Any thoughts? Am I wrong about this?
There will always be someone to judge what you are doing no matter what the situation. Why not have the celebration that you want? You have earned it and are willing to pay the price for it. You are asking your guests to come and celebrate the love that you share for each other, celebrating that despite everything you are still standing strong and are truly committed to each other. No it may not be the traditional way but the fact that nearly 8 yrs after the positive pregnancy test you are still together. If they don’t have anything nice to say, forget to put the stamp on their invitation…
Congratulations and wishing you many more years of happiness!!!
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I feel the way many of your critics feel, that it’s silly to have a big wedding after you already have children. I feel like, once children are involved, those thousands of dollars could be spent on a downpayment for a house or the college fund. We went the love –> baby –> marriage route. We spent literally $200 to get married, (not in a courthouse but nothing fancy, obviously) and I’m glad we did, because we were able to buy a house. But that’s just my opinion. I’ve seen plenty of people have big weddings years after having kids and living together. I just wouldn’t go that route or recommend it to anyone.
You talked about the statistics of having kids before marriage but you never mentioned those people who marry just because they are pregnant then end up divorced. Those people are raising our divorce rates. I am currently pregnant and engaged. We thought about both choices but in the end we are waiting till after we have our child. It doesn’t make our wedding any less special.