Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My 10-year marriage is on the rocks, and I’m starting to believe that my mother is the cause.
I grew up watching my mother being aggressive toward my father. She often told him what to do, and he did not push back. He was not good with expressing his emotions unless he was angry. I believe he took her stuff and just focused on being a great provider.
By the time I was 9 years old, I was aware of the dysfunction and remember telling myself that I would not engage in the same behavior as my mother.
Fast forward 20 years, and I have become my mother. I talk down to my husband and constantly tell him that he is a weak man because he does not push back. Lately, I have started to question my ability to achieve marital satisfaction. I hate to say it, but I believe that I got it from my mother.
Is this all on me? Or do you think childhood experiences and my mother’s example have shaped how I experience my own marriage?
Patiently awaiting your response,
Wife in Pain
Dear Wife in Pain,
Yes, it is true that childhood experiences can shape adult behavior. Decades of research have shown that childhood experiences can affect children throughout their adolescence, extending into their adulthoods.
Families have a profound impact on children’s cognitive, social and emotional development. Children are initiated into cultural practice through the parent-child relationship. How children view themselves and their capabilities are grounded in the parent-child relationship, and parents clearly teach critical attitudes and practices that serve to reproduce a habitual referential stance for the child’s emerging mind.
Children typically display the behavior of the same-gender parent by the time they are 5 or 6 years old and use gender to select behaviors to use in their own social relationships. It is reasonable to except that little girls are more likely to model behavior similar to that of their mothers and little boys are more likely to model behavior that is similar to that of their fathers.The parent-child relationship can serve as a significant predictor of personal happiness in adulthood.
Early works on child development reported that childhood nurturing experiences play an instrumental role in shaping and influencing the perceptions and behavior of adults. Many of the childhood experiences that adults experienced as children often serve as cognitive and social guideposts for them as they transition into adulthood. With this in mind, one could assume that childhood experiences can potentially impact your ability to achieve marital satisfaction.
You can learn more about this issue from reading my book entitled, “Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction.” The book is a little academy in nature and provides insight about groundbreaking research that explored how black women’s childhood experiences impacted their perceptions of achieving marital satisfaction.
My book takes a look into the lives of seven black women who shared their heartfelt childhood and adult experiences as married women. It provides descriptive details about how childhood experiences and socio-structural factors work together to influence Black women’s development and behavior. You can secure a copy by visiting my website at www.drbuckingham.com
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.