I was so confused. The sister said she wanted a man who was 44, never married, no children and Christian. He also needed to be marriage-minded; she only wanted to date for six months before tying the knot.
For this woman who was single and childless, but not by choice, these items on her list were must-haves; and if I’d introduced to her a man who didn’t meet her criteria, she wouldn’t even want to talk to him.
At the time, I was still new at matchmaking, so I decided that I could help her out. Honey, looking for this man felt like searching for a unicorn in New York City!
Not because these kinds of men don’t exist, but because I had to find a man who not only met her criteria but also thought she was exciting enough to want to date.
Miraculously, I found him within a few weeks and set up the introduction. I was so excited about this match, but my client was lukewarm. Why? Because she figured if he’d gotten to his 40s without ever being married and never starting a family, something must be wrong with him!
Instead of being a great date, she spent her time acting like a detective trying to figure out if she could discover the real reason why this man was still single. I bet you can figure out what happened, can’t you?
The brotha told me that he loved the fact that the sista was educated, spiritual and attractive, but he felt like she wasn’t emotionally available. He was looking for a woman who was warm, open and easy-going; and instead he felt like this woman was judging him for being exactly the kind of man she was looking for.
If you have a similar problem of wondering if something is wrong with a man if he’s over 40, never married and no kids, we need to have a mini-coaching session. I’ve discovered that the woman who looks for the big secret flaw in another person usually feels like she has a fatal flaw that makes her unloveable. She’s afraid that if a man were to see her true self—flaws and all—he wouldn’t want to be with her.
There’s a powerful principle here that i don’t want you to miss: What you judge in other people tends to be a reflection of the judgements you have against yourself. Believing that there must be something wrong with the man who’s never been married when YOU are still single, is a sign you believe something is wrong with you because you haven’t met The One yet.
Wondering if a man is still single because he’s not marriage material might also be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you establish impossible standards for a man to fulfill and then discover he’s not perfect, you can point and say “AHA!” when he reveals his imperfections to you. This allows you to hold on to your belief that there aren’t any good men out there, when in reality, you set yourself up to fail at relationships.
Yes, there are men over 40 who are not good partners. They’ve made it to 40 without a family because they are emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic or marriage avoidant.
But there are also other men who are single because they just haven’t found the woman they’ve been looking for. Others feel like they just don’t measure up to the expectations they feel society has of them as men. They feel like they’re not financially established; they have too much debt; or don’t have a good enough resume and will constantly chase the moving target called “BEING READY” before they get married.
One man expressed his frustrations this way “What do women want?! Smarts like President Obama, swag like Jay-Z, a body like Dwayne Johnson, and looks like Boris Kodjoe? I mean, seriously?!”
Understanding what men go through in dating should inspire you to trade your judgements for curiosity. Dating is about discovery, and if you approach someone you’re meeting with a closed heart and an over-thinking mind, you just might miss your blessing.
BMWK, are you over 40, never married with no kids? Has anyone ever made you feel like something is wrong with you because you’re still single?