By Jeanine DeHoney
It can be extremely hurtful when your husband’s Mama doesn’t openly embrace you into her heart or her family. You love her son, run your household, and raise her grandchildren but still you are not good enough for him or to be a part of her family. With her in the ring, you feel like you’ve just gone one round with Mike Tyson. But, battling his Mama will drain you of precious energy that can be used towards enriching your life and marriage. So, here are some steps to end his Mama’s drama.
1. View your mother-in-law as the mother who birthed and nurtured the man you now love. That alone should soften your heart towards her. Love her for the morals and values she instilled in your soulmate. Love her for the fact she taught him how to make a mean pot of Gumbo and enfolded him with the qualities that make him a good black man.
2. Look at her life now through her eyes. Maybe his mother is insecure because she relied on your husband for emotional/financial support, albeit how unhealthy it was, and feels that you are taking that away from her. Maybe your husband was her last adult child to leave home and she is feeling lonely now that her nest is empty. Maybe her own broken marriage causes her to envy yours. Pray for her wounded heart to mend.
3. Don’t bring you and your husband’s problems to her. If you’ve had an argument, call a truce around his mother to show a united front. She doesn’t need any more ammunition to fuel her dislike of you.
4. Plan an outing with your mother-in-law. Pick someplace like a day spa where you both can release tension and relax enough to enjoy each other’s company.
5. Speak up when your mother-in-law makes rude comments. Handle the little issues before they blow up into something bigger even if you must take her aside if you are at a family gathering. Use “I” words such as “I feel” instead of accusatory words such as “You always.” She will respect you more when you stand up to her.
6. Get to know her as a person in her own right. Ask your mother-in-law about her life, childhood, and dreams. You might be surprised at how much you admire about her.
7. Give her a gift. A plaque with an inspirational saying, a blank cookbook to write down her family recipes, etc. so that she will have something tangible to always remember you by.
8. Find something about your mother-in-law worth celebrating; her fashion sense, her volunteerism, her knowledge of black history, etc.
9. Envision the relationship you hope to have with your mother-in-law in the future. Focus on what you want in your relationship with her, and hopefully one day you will have the relationship you desire. If not, you will at least be at peace knowing you gave your best effort to end the drama.
BMWK – If you have been able to successfully overcome drama with your in-laws, please share with us what it took to build a relationship.
Jeanine DeHoney is a former early childhood assistant teacher and family services coordinator. As a freelance writer, her writing has been published in Essence, Black Secrets, Black Romance, Upscale, Today’s Black Woman, Mused-Bella Online, Mothering.com. Grand Magazine, Family Fun Magazine, Writing for Dollars, The Write Place At The Write Time, Literary Mama and Beautiful Black Magazine. She is also essayist in “Chicken Soup for the African American Woman’s Soul and the Whispering Angel Book “Living Lessons.” Presently, she is a contributing writer for Esteem Yourself E-magazine.