by Kizzy K. Johnson
It never fails; during this time of the year, I nestle under my cheerfully colored down comforter and search for those feel-good classic Christmas movies, like Miracle on 34th Street, The Sound of Music and my new classic, This Christmas. My emotions begin to toast like chestnuts on an open fire as I embrace holiday cheer, extended musical sing-alongs and the promise of true love.
It’s also the time of year when I reflect on how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown as a woman, lover and friend. Sometimes during one of the transition scenes, I feel this sharp pain in my side, haunting me like the Ghost of Christmas Past. I was married once, you see, and although I’m able to humble myself and admit my flaws today, it hasn’t always been that easy.
Since I bear the burden of a failed marriage, I thought I’d give you a gift. I’m going to give you my three signs. I revisit these signs every year like Santa visits all the little boys and girls on the “nice” list. I squirm at them every year like the Grinch squirms at cheer. After a while, though, I open them up like a child and appreciate them like an orphan. Each year, I gain further insight, like a pastor when he revisits the same psalms. So listen up, I’m checking the list and I’m checking it twice; here are my fearful follies. Please take heed to them and think twice before you make any type of long-term commitment to any one person.
Passing on the Past: I knew I wasn’t ready for any type of long-term relationship when I refused to pass on my past. All during my courtship, engagement and marriage, I fantasized, dreamt of and wished for another lover. I even found myself flittering with that old love. How could I be ready to marry one man when I secretly lusted after another? I convinced myself that it would be okay, romanticizing “love,” believing that once the pixies sprinkled their dust over our wedding vows, I’d be smitten by my current suitor and instantly be over the one who never was meant to be. I was wrong, and those desires I had been entertaining planted seeds of resentment in my heart. I became intolerable of my husband; I failed him before I even gave him a chance. My gift to you — don’t marry the present if you’re still unwrapping the past.
Wishing Upon His Faults: Instead of wishing upon a star, I wished that he’d fail. In the beginning of our relationship, I told myself that love would conquer all. I knew that my love would endure anything, even his flaws. So I ignored the signs and loved him regardless. That is until the day came, shortly after our wedding day, when I wished for his flaws to be magnified. I wished for them to be magnified so that I could burn him with them. I wanted his flaws to be why the relationship wouldn’t work because I had made a horrible mistake and was too cowardly to just admit it.
Re-Gifting Love: You can’t re-gift love. When you give love that isn’t yours to give, you’re headed for turbulent times. The love I had to give was misplaced; it didn’t belong to my husband and it wasn’t mine to wrongfully give away. Re-gifting love can manifest itself in different ways. If you’ve recently lost a loved one, are still grieving over the loss of a loved one, just broke up with a partner or are feeling unworthy of love, you run the risk of re-gifting love. Don’t take the love you have or had for someone else and project it onto another person. This type of love isn’t fair to anyone involved, especially the unsuspecting person who’s getting the “gift” of love.
When it all boils down, you’re the only one who knows how you truly feel. Don’t betray your own heart. Don’t find yourself in an empty relationship because you’ve ignored the three fearful follies. It isn’t fair to you or your partner. Waiting until you can clear the slate of love and give yourself honestly is the best way to begin any relationship. It gives you a fighting chance of not being known as the Wife who stole Christmas.
Happy Holidays.
Kizzy is the author of Coffee Shop Therapist: Sound Advice for Life’s Spills scheduled to be released on February 5, 2013. The book provides helpful insight on how to address eighteen different controversial topics. She is also the owner of a creative writing boutique, Pomei, which focus on providing unique poems and letters for all occasions. Contact Kizzy via twitter and her website.