Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I read your article about how to hold on when your spouse is financially unstable. I have a question. How do you hold on when your spouse is financially unstable for 10 years?
I understand that marriage vows state for better or for worse and the Bible states that love is patient and long suffering, but how long is “long suffering”? We have a 10-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter. Unfortunately, I don’t want my son to pick up these habits from him nor do I want my daughter to marry a man like him.
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Last year, I decided to go ahead and pursue my dream of going to law school. My marriage got worse. Of course, there are many more details in there but that is the meat of it.
Our marriage has become increasingly worse over the years because I believe he doesn’t really want to work. For years he was infatuated with doing a network marketing business until I stopped supporting those dead end opportunities.
I’m ready to give up because I’m tired. I need advice.
Breadwinner
Dear Breadwinner,
I apologize upfront because I do not have an easy answer to your question. However, I would say that your frustration is associated with not carefully selecting a compatible lifetime partner. I am making this assumption based on your husband’s history of financial instability and your ambition. I am curious to know what he did prior to you saying, “I do” 10.5-years ago.
Was he capable of holding down a job before you married him? Based on the information you shared about your husband, I do not have enough details to give solid advice. Nevertheless, I would argue that your husband’s inability or difficulty with maintaining a job has more to do with his personality than his love for you or the children.
Most personalities are shaped by early adult years.
This means that we have developed fundamental ways of doing things. Therefore, change will occur at a slower rate. I mention this because sometime people believe that children and love are great sources of motivation. Not so true. A person’s work ethic is shaped in childhood, but can be enhanced and/or modified in adulthood. Your husband may view work different than you.
Have you tried to learn about what inspires your husband? You mentioned that he likes to engage in network marketing. This is work, but it might not be the kind of work you agree with or approve of. However, people that engage in network marketing typically have an entrepreneurial spirit. This is not a bad quality.
Focus on why you married your husband and try to pull strength from that place.
I mention differences in personalities and work ethics because sometime we want our spouse to fit into our vision although they might have a different vision. The best thing that you can do is to work with your husband to help him find his purpose and passion.
If you are too tired, encourage him to seek guidance and help. I provide coaching to hundreds of men who have a tendency to dream more and provide less.
I understand your frustration because I am a practical thinker who believes in making things happen, especially when comes to taking care of my family. I had to learn how to be a provider. It did not come from being a man, husband or father. Some men need guidance.
You hold on by praying, engaging in self-care, and seeking professional counseling. The problems that we experience with our spouses in marriage typically start before marriage. If you do nothing else for your children, make sure that you teach them how to select and invest in a lifetime partner with whom they are compatible (share similar values, work ethics, etc.).
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.