by Delano Squires
I recently heard a sermon at church that examined how people measure success in their personal lives. The first part of the message focused on some of the things our culture associates with success: material possessions, social status, power, fame, etc. These common markers of achievement were in stark contrast to the main point of the message: true success is achieved by putting the needs of others in front of our own.
This message made me think about the ways in which people measure success in their relationships. It seems that at times we consider a couple successful based solely on external factors, such as the size of their home, their vacations to exotic locales, or their presence at all of the most prestigious community events. Part of this is probably due to our culture’s obsession with celebrities, as well as our fascination with “power couples” and the qualities we believe they represent. While it is good to know that couples, even those in the public eye, experience some of the same trials and triumphs as everyone else, no one really knows the inner workings of a relationship except the two people in that relationship. Many of the couples who seem to have it all together outwardly are far from the picture of romantic bliss behind closed doors.
A successful relationship, much like a successful life, should be characterized in part by putting the needs of another in front of our own. This is not to say that we should not express our desires to our partners, but it does mean that self-serving behavior is often at the root of many relationship issues.
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, noted in his recent interview with BMWK that speaking in our partner’s love language has a positive effect on relationships. According to Dr. Chapman, filling your partner’s love tank creates a positive climate in your relationship and makes dealing with conflict a smoother process. The key to keeping your partner’s love tank full is twofold: 1) discovering their primary love language and 2) speaking it frequently and consistently.
For the unmarried, it is important to evaluate whether the person you are dating exhibits selfishness””eager to have their love tank filled, while you sputter along on empty. While people tend to grow and mature as they age, we should avoid going into marriage hoping crucial parts of a person’s personality will change. If you are someone who seeks to put the needs of your partner in front of your own and you notice that your partner consistently puts their needs in front of your own, then you should ask yourself whether that is something you are willing to live with for the rest of your life.
There are certainly other traits that many people would agree characterize a good relationship, such as authentic intimacy, open communication, and mutual supportiveness, but selflessness is certainly one of a successful relationship’s chief cornerstones. At times in our personal life we look at people who have all the trappings of material success and feel inadequate when we think of how little we have achieved in comparison. We should resist the urge to do the same with regard to our love life. Since each relationship is composed of two unique individuals, comparing one relationship to another is usually a counterproductive exercise. Evaluating your relationship and striving to improve it based on your own relationship vision, goals, and desires is a better approach than complaining about why it doesn’t look more like that of some of other couple. Instead of falling victim to the allure of status and power embodied by the prototypical “power couple” and working tirelessly to attain what we believe some other couple has, we should all strive to be rich in the currency of success””selflessness.
BMWK, how do you measure success in your relationship? Do you ever compare yourself to other couples who you believe have “successful” relationships? What, if anything, do they have that you wish you had?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in social policy at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.