Of course the past, which involves our family history, like hereditary illnesses, must be disclosed to the person we plan on building a life with; especially when we decide to have children. We can’t properly plan a family when we keep certain truths (that affect that family) to ourselves.
However, the past that has everything to do with previous relationships, who we use to be, old hurts and limiting beliefs aren’t as easy to confess. Some may wonder what the past has to do with the current relationship. In some cases nothing, but in other instances, everything. Usually, the way we show up in a relationship is a direct result of how we were treated in the past. Although we hate to admit it, unhealthy partnerships and bad breakups affect us.
We carry the disappointment as well as the shame with us. Even if we weren’t to blame, we take on the responsibility of our failed relationships. Thinking the new partner is going to be more of the same, we hold back, act out and lower our expectations of the future of the current relationship. Leaving our new partner confused and clueless, wondering what the hell happened.
Can you imagine building your new committed relationship on truth? The truth of who you really are? When sharing the past, I’m not suggesting we reveal things that don’t benefit the relationship. There is a great amount of relief and release that comes with our willingness to be vulnerable with our spouse.
Revelations such as how many sexual partners we’ve had prior to marriage, don’t necessarily add to or grow us as a couple. But being able to leave an abusive relationship or overcoming other challenges demonstrates the type of character we possess and gives our partner a better insight on how and why we are affected by certain behaviors.
While we tend to be careful with the information we communicate to our partner, we must keep in mind the benefits. We learn from past mistakes and are usually better off as a result. I know I’ve grown tremendously from relationships past. Those relationships have actually made me a better wife because I learned what not to do. I’m open and willing to being vulnerable in my marriage. We can’t have a healthy relationship, if we don’t consider our spouse a trusted friend who we can share our innermost thoughts and feelings with. It feels good!
BMWK, how much of your past have you shared with your spouse?