The phrase “I will forgive, but I will not forget” has always baffled me. I wonder what’s the point of forgiving if we are still holding on to whatever that thing is. And not only do most people still hold on to it, they bring it up using it as ammunition on the person they claim to have forgiven. Quite naturally, the healing process is immediately halted whenever this happens.
The strange thing about marriage is that in consists of two imperfect people. With that type of dynamic mistakes are bound to be made, multiple mistakes at that. One partner is going to disappoint the other. Hurtful words will be spoken, careless actions will take place all leaving someone with the tough decision of how to forgive and move forward. The fact we entered into a sacred covenant with our spouse doesn’t make it any easier for us. Forgiveness can be extremely powerful. It has the ability to destroy our unions on the one hand or build us up on the other. We, each individual in the marriage, have control over the affect it has. It is even a bigger challenge when we feel our mates make the same errors over and over again. We are less likely to forgive in this case.
The reality is, unfortunately, sometimes the people we love are going to wound us. For the most part, it will be unintentional, which doesn’t make it hurt any less. But once we reflect back, we usually come to the conclusion that if our partner had it to do over again, they would have made another choice. If forgiveness stands a chance, several things have to occur.
- First, the spouse who made the mistake has to ask for forgiveness. If this spouse doesn’t take full responsibility for their error in judgment the couple will struggle with moving forward. How can a person forgive someone not asking to be forgiven?
- Next, the injured party must determine what they need to know, hear and feel to assist them with the process of forgiveness. Certain questions may need to be answered in order to better understand how this lapse in reasoning occurred in the first place. Then a determination must be made as to whether or not moving forward is an option.
- After it is agreed that moving forward is the goal a real grown-up conversation has to occur. Both partners must be willing to open up, listen and offer ideas on how to improve. Learning the others communication style and understanding their thought process when it comes to making decisions is something a lot of couples fail to do. Our expectations must be clearly defined in the beginning of the marriage; this will leave little room for misinterpretation. We typically think our partners should react the way we would in every situation and that isn’t realistic. Being able to reframe each situation and look at it from our spouse’s point of view also has a huge impact.
Whether our spouse makes many tiny mistakes or one large one during our marriage, how we decide to forgive will be up to us. We can decide to store them up for later use or we can choose to address, forgive and keep the peace in our home. Forgiveness is a reward and a loving and supportive spouse is always worthy of receiving such a gift.