The phrase “I will forgive, but I will not forget” has always baffled me. I wonder what’s the point of forgiving if we are still holding on to whatever that thing is. And not only do most people still hold on to it, they bring it up using it as ammunition on the person they claim to have forgiven. Quite naturally, the healing process is immediately halted whenever this happens.
The strange thing about marriage is that in consists of two imperfect people. With that type of dynamic mistakes are bound to be made, multiple mistakes at that. One partner is going to disappoint the other. Hurtful words will be spoken, careless actions will take place all leaving someone with the tough decision of how to forgive and move forward. The fact we entered into a sacred covenant with our spouse doesn’t make it any easier for us. Forgiveness can be extremely powerful. It has the ability to destroy our unions on the one hand or build us up on the other. We, each individual in the marriage, have control over the affect it has. It is even a bigger challenge when we feel our mates make the same errors over and over again. We are less likely to forgive in this case.
The reality is, unfortunately, sometimes the people we love are going to wound us. For the most part, it will be unintentional, which doesn’t make it hurt any less. But once we reflect back, we usually come to the conclusion that if our partner had it to do over again, they would have made another choice. If forgiveness stands a chance, several things have to occur.
- First, the spouse who made the mistake has to ask for forgiveness. If this spouse doesn’t take full responsibility for their error in judgment the couple will struggle with moving forward. How can a person forgive someone not asking to be forgiven?
- Next, the injured party must determine what they need to know, hear and feel to assist them with the process of forgiveness. Certain questions may need to be answered in order to better understand how this lapse in reasoning occurred in the first place. Then a determination must be made as to whether or not moving forward is an option.
- After it is agreed that moving forward is the goal a real grown-up conversation has to occur. Both partners must be willing to open up, listen and offer ideas on how to improve. Learning the others communication style and understanding their thought process when it comes to making decisions is something a lot of couples fail to do. Our expectations must be clearly defined in the beginning of the marriage; this will leave little room for misinterpretation. We typically think our partners should react the way we would in every situation and that isn’t realistic. Being able to reframe each situation and look at it from our spouse’s point of view also has a huge impact.
Whether our spouse makes many tiny mistakes or one large one during our marriage, how we decide to forgive will be up to us. We can decide to store them up for later use or we can choose to address, forgive and keep the peace in our home. Forgiveness is a reward and a loving and supportive spouse is always worthy of receiving such a gift.
laketarenal says
How many times to forgive and forget is completely up to the individual and it should be understood that if you completely forgive someone that means you forget it (in other words don’t call it to mind again when it’s conveinent). We forgive because we ourselves are imperfect and also want to be forgiven. This is that undeserved gift we receive for God daily. That being said there are small hurts and then there are large wounds that the ones we love cause. The small hurts are like sometimes saying things at the wrong time or forgetting to do something important your spouse may have asked repeatedly. The large wounds would be like breaking the marriage vows with serial infidelity (notice I said serial). A strong marriage can withstand this kind of betrayal, but repeatedly putting your spouse’s (and your’s) health/safety at risk is just crazy. You loved this person enough in the first place to commit to them. At least show them (and yourself) some respect by not enganging in an act that could allow you to lose your life literally. Again this can be forgiven, but if you lose count after so many times you know this person doesn’t want and is not worth your forgiveness.
Ashley says
This came right on time, you just don’t understand how on time this is, keep talking to me Tiya.
Nieka says
Ashley you said it best. Regrouping right now
CissyTRUTH says
Forgiveness, unless it is done right is over rated and stressful. So I agree with many points on this article but I feel an important point to echo is that “how we decide to forgive will be up to us.” Often times people rush to the ‘forgiveness’ portion of resolving something because it seems like the right thing to do. I love the thoughtfulness of this article that encourages readers to go through the process and communicate so they can move forward in the same direction as their mate. Thanks for posting and sharing this with us!
Deborah says
Forgiveness, from a Christian perspective is not about forgetting – but rather giving up your right to punish the person for their offense.
After an offense is done and forgiveness granted, the offender needs to work to rebuild the trust that was broken.
That takes work.
There are consequences for our actions, and forgiveness does not give us a “get out of jail free” card. You have to deal with the damage that was created as a result of the offense.
Only after trust is firmly in place, or back in place are you in a position to move back towards true intimacy.
Often in an attempt to avoid the pain of dealing with the offense both parties are quick to move through the process of forgiveness. it is not just a one step process, it ia an action that you have to constantly walk in until you no longer remember that it needs to be a conscious choice.
God is the only being that truly has the capacity to forgive and forget – and it is not that God does not remember – He no longer pulls out the memory of your offense to hold it against you. As all knowing, all powerful God – He can not forget, but that is true grace, that fact that He does know all, and He knows how egregious our actions are, He loves us some much that He is willing to forgive us and no longer call to remembrance our past actions and limit our blessings in the present and future based on them.
As for the question of how often you should forgive – if you are a Christian, as many times as he offends. BUT, your spouse still needs to do the hard work of rebuilding the trust.
Tamara South says
well we must always forgive because none of us are perfect ourselves
suggal says
I just don’t know… As a 2nd time newlywed, I did the up front work, of conversations, explanations, unacceptables, deal breakers that were agreed to. 26 days after the wedding, I started having to deal with and have over these 8 months dealt with, single’s websites, hidden drug use, alcohol, smoking, hidding cell phones, closing web pages when I come into the room. ALL of which where deal breakers for me. I have talked and reminded him over, and over about the damage he was doing to our marriage, and was either ignore or something sarcastic was said in response.I have been lied to and direspected in ways that are TOTALLY unacceptable to me. Now that I am demanding a divorce he is a “New” man… I am very angry because I did the work up front to avoid being placed in this position. I have no trust, love or understanding for him right now… as a person this is not who I am. I just want to be done and move on! I don’t feel that I even owe him counseling…
suggal says
Add’l he had these issues in the past…but for a year, he acted the part and did what he needed to do to trick me… I asked him over, and over if he was sure he was ready and could be the husband I required and needed…We are in our 50’s and I know what I would and wouldn’t be able to handle and not be stressed out about!!! After 2 mos…I sat down and talked to him about the resentment I was starting to feel, because it appeared that he just played the part to TRAP me…
Why are people so selfish…that they would go to degrees like this because they want to be with another person, and make their life miserable?
Monalisa says
Wow I really needed to read this !!! Thanks
Dan Jones says
I really needed this message, and it came at a good time. See my spouse made an infidelity mistake and I am actually dealing with tbd forgiveness bug now. It is a hard pill to swallow, but only because it hurt! But me forgiving up to this point has become a tedious journey. I have recommited myself to the relationship, my family and first myself…thank you for the added motivation on forgiving!
Tee says
Dan, I’m in the same position as you are. This article has also come at a good time for me as I tossed in turned last night. I did say that I would forgive and we could work on it and move forward but I told him I have to be honest I’m still struggling everyday. To me that is not true forgiveness. I need to really do some self evaluation. But thanks for your post. Lets me know I’m not alone.
Cee says
If you refuse to forgive then how can you possibly move forward? If you don’t deal with the problem then it will only come back later until it’s truly resolved.I’m in a situation where I have forgave but I can’t/won’t be forgiven and it is painful.No matter what has occurred I believe as long as the Lord wakes me up I can fix whatever’s broken. I forgive quickly because the Scriptures say if I don’t forgive others then He won’t forgive me…just a thought