by Harriet Hairston
I’m the type of person that loves assessment quizzes and practical exercises. I like gaining more insight and understanding into my own intricate design as well as that of my marriage.
The book, “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage” by John & Julie Gottman and Joan DeClaire is chock full of these types of quizzes and practical exercises. While I was reading this book, I felt like I was receiving quality marital counseling for the simple low cost of the book (in my case, for the cost of a library card). I have outlined some of the exercises of this book in the comments section, but I wanted to give you the basics they provided on how to establish and maintain a good marriage.
In their studies about marriage, they found two simple truths common to every great marriage they encountered during the course of their 20+ years of marital counseling experience:
1. Happily married couples behave like good friends.
2. Happily married couples handle their conflicts in gentle, positive ways.
Sound too simplistic for your tastes? Personally, I think I overcomplicated things in my own marriage, and the harder I tried to make it great, the worse it got! Getting back to the basics and strengthening the foundation of marriage was paramount for someone like me who likes to over-intellectualize things.
They then outlined the “Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse,” or four behaviors commonly found in marriages that are either struggling or on the brink of divorce. These four negative characteristics made me take a deeper look at my own behavior so I would not allow myself or my marriage to succumb to this type of unnecessary warfare:
1. CRITICISM: complaint or blaming coupled with a global attack on character. This horseman often comes with “You always” and/or “You never” statements (i.e. “You always disregard my feelings,” or “You never pay attention to my needs.”).
2. DEFENSIVENESS: Counterattacks used to defend innocence or avoid taking responsibility for an addressed problem. This often looks like whining or cross-criticism.
3. CONTEMPT = criticism + hostility + disgust. It involves sarcasm, mocking, name calling or belligerence.
4. STONEWALLING: When listeners withdraw from the conversation, offering no physical or verbal clues that they’re affected by what they hear. The proverbial “silent treatment.”
Wow. I can pinpoint many times in the past three months where I’ve been guilty of all of the above. In fact, it’s a wonder Mr. Incredible hasn’t nicknamed me “Stonewall Hairston.” As I write, all I can do is shake my head in shame over how easily it has been to perpetrate these negative attitudes in my marriage.
Obviously I want my marriage to work. Unfortunately, I allowed insanity to set in and really thought that these four things would pose a wake up call to Mr. Incredible. Just as unfortunate was the fact that my antics backfired on me big time.
If the same is true for you, the authors gave four simple antidotes to these four horsemen that could have just as much of a revolutionary change for your marriage–except for the positive instead of the negative:
1. SOFTENED START-UP: This is the ability to start talking about a complaint or problem gently, without criticizing or insulting your spouse. It makes the other spouse more willing to listen, thus making compromise possible.
2. TURNING TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE: This is called making an “emotional bid.” It’s up to your spouse how he or she responds, but the only positive choice out of three is to turn towards him or her:
- Turn away: ignore the bid
- Turn against: reacting to the bid with anger or hostility
- Turn towards: showing you’re open and engaged, willing to listen to and respond in a healthy manner to the bid.
3. REPAIRING THE CONVERSATION: This is an effort to de-escalate negative feelings during a difficult encounter. An apology, smile or use of humor often breaks the tension felt between spouses and allows communication to continue.
4. ACCEPTING INFLUENCE: Spouses open to persuasion from each other generally have stronger, happier marriages. Being stubborn or domineering has the opposite effect. Studies show this is especially effective when husbands are willing to accept influence from their wives.
All in all, this book is a must have for all couples, especially couples encountering challenges. The thing I love about it is that it makes the complex simple…it turns rocket science into simple addition and subtraction and clears out all the junk that gets in the way.
Like the authors stated, “Many of the changes are small, simple adjustments–not big, complicated ones…small, positive behaviors, frequently repeated, can make a BIG difference in the long term success of a marriage.”
BMWK, are you guilty of perpetrating any of the four mentioned horsemen of the marriage apocolypse? If so, how did you stop the madness and bring harmony back to your marriage? Are there any other suggestions you can make to help combat those four horsemen?
God bless!
Harriet